Boy, is it quiet around here. Adam, Ava and Jessica left on Wednesday afternoon for a three-week break in China visiting family and friends. No more little voice shouting up the stairs in the morning welcoming us to the new day, no more “chase me” grandpa, no more tricycle excursions to the park across the road (at least for the next three weeks). My goodness it’s quiet around here! Continue reading
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
“Does your dog have a license?” he asked.
“Oh, no,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one; I always do the driving.” Continue reading
Happy New Year to you all – I hope your celebrations were wildly successful and enjoyable. Ours certainly were. We celebrated with gusto when the clock turned to midnight. Midnight in Moscow, that is. And, by “gusto” I mean by snoring, of course. Continue reading
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something I’ve never done before…. I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but as it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it..
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call. Continue reading
Well, we certainly had a fun few days – hope that your festivities were all that you had hoped they might be. Continue reading
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. Continue reading
Well, I guess we are kind of ready – as ready as we’ll ever be, I suppose. The tree is up and decorated and there is a mountain of presents stashed away underneath so I guess some folks in this house have been good this year – what are the chances of that? Continue reading
A Christmas Theme to all our Amusements this week. We’re doing our bit for the environment this year – these are all recycled! Have a wonderfully happy time.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
“It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolise?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.” Continue reading
What a week! We had a great outing to the theatre last Saturday and have also enjoyed a couple of other performances – Annabelle’s and Jessica’s respective Nativity plays. Oh, this is what the festive season is all about! Continue reading
Some of the more astute amongst our readers recognised that last week’s post had no “amusements”. No one actually suggested that was an improvement but the short and simple explanation is that I seem to have exhausted my backlog of moderately amusing anecdotes. So, I am recycling some old ones from previous postings – see if you can remember them.
This originally came to me from my father:
We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
“Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.”
“You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. “Reset it yourself!”
“But I’m scared!” she persisted. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” There was a meaningful pause and then, “C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.”
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of “been-there, done-that” paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. “What’s the matter?” They all asked, “Cat got your tongue?”
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this? Continue reading