The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone! I’m lost and need directions!”

Continue reading “8 December – Amusements”

We’ve had this before but, the person who sent it to me remarked, the old ones are the best.

A guy is driving around the back streets of Chippenham when he sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: Talking Dog For Sale. So, he stops and rings the bell. The owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible  dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a  load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten quid,” the guy says.

“Ten quid?  This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the garden.”

Continue reading “1 December 2024 – Amusements”

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, “What’s wrong pal?”

“I’ll never understand women.” Max said. “The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.”

“Wow!” said the bartender. “But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me.”

“Well, ” Max went on, “I thought about it and sent her home to her mother. Now she won’t even speak to me.”

Continue reading “24 November 2024 – Amusements”

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Continue reading “17 November 2024 – Amusements”

“Our wall clock almost killed my mother today!” a wife complains. “It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

The husband mumbles, “Damn clock always was slow.”

Continue reading “10 November 2024 – Amusements”