Lockdown week 12 and it’s been another fine week. Scorcio, in fact. Pleasantly warm bordering on hot at times, sunny with bright blue skies. Still no rain though which is beginning to be a bit of a concern. The garden is looking positively splendid at the moment but the lawns, borders and vegetables are gasping for some water. And, there’s no sign of any rain on the horizon. Continue reading
Today is payday. I just did a little budget to see how much spending cash I’m going to have left over after I pay my bills.
And since I can’t go out to eat, I can’t go shopping for anything except groceries, I can’t get a haircut, I can’t go see a movie, I can’t go to a casino and I can’t travel anywhere, it looks like my beer budget just went up by 1200 percent. Continue reading
Lockdown week 11 and it’s been another fine week. Largely sunny and, on a couple of days, actually verging on hot! A couple of Pimms sort of days. But, just as you thought you could get used to this, on Friday it dawned cloudy and blustery with the merest of hints of rain. Alas, once again, the rain largely passed us by.
For my brother Steph who reminded me of one of my favourite jokes last week:
A gorilla is walking through the jungle one day and comes across a lion bent over a small stream taking a drink. The gorilla thinks for a moment how he can get one over on the “king of the jungle.” He carefully sneaks up to the lion, leaps on his back and has his way with him.
When he is finished the gorilla takes off running with a very angry lion hot on his hills. As they run through the jungle the gorilla gets a bit of a lead and suddenly comes across a British safari camp.
Thinking quickly the gorilla grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He quickly sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “Do you mean the one that fucked a lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “Oh my God! It’s in the paper already?” Continue reading
Lock-down Week – what week is it? What day is it? Who knows? I thought every day in retirement was more or less the same. Every day in lock-down certainly is the same! The highlight of our week comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Penelope delivers medication from the local surgery around the village. It’s so exciting! Continue reading
I know we’ve had it before but this is the kind of conversation Penny & I have all the time . . .
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table this morning when I got in one of those maudlin moods.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?” Continue reading
Another week, another week of lock-down. Week 9, it seems. Doesn’t time fly when you are enjoying yourself? It’s been a good week with some lovely sunshine, clear skies, reasonably decent temperatures – what’s not to like? Oh, being able to interact with friends and family would be nice, I guess. Continue reading
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. “You know,” said Melba, “today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don’t use the word ‘obey’ anymore.”
“Too bad, isn’t it?” retorted Ken. “It used to lend a little humor to the occasion.” Continue reading
Here we are again – lock-down, week 8. We’ve finally had the rain which the forecasters have been promising and very welcome it is too. I think we could have done without the 10 degree drop in temperature, however. Continue reading
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that’s a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, “Who is making these allegations?”
My boss stood up and proclaimed, “I am the alligator, your honor.” Continue reading