22 May 2022 – Amusements

A man just returned from traveling around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell. Here is one of them.

It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied “Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go.”

He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, “Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go.”

He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked, “Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?”

The man gave him a funny look and said “It’s on a pole. It’s got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom…”

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8 May 2022 – Amusements

These are all out of my father’s archive. . .

DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God: 

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God:

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride. I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God:

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God:

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God:

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God:

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:

Can you undo what that doctor did?

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1 May 2022 – Amusements

We’ve had these before . . .

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free… you either married it or gave birth to it.

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24 April 2022 – Amusements

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.”

I asked him, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

“No, nothing like that,” he said. “I got out of prison.”

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10 April 2022

Boy, have we had wind this week. And I am not talking about me! No damage as such that I can see from the confines of my study upstairs but, as I look out at the rain which is slashing down, I can see that the bench which sits on the Green in front of our house has been blown over as has the sign to the mushroom farm just up the drive behind us. I guess we should count our blessings – we’ve not had any more snow!

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10 April 2022 – Amusements

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, “We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat.”

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, “Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?”

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