22 November 2015 – Amusements

Four southern ladies were sitting around having Bloody Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them.

The first one says, “My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring.” But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said, “Oh, how nice.”

The second woman says, “Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat.” But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said, “Oh, how nice.”

So then the third woman says, “Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz.” And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick.

So they all looked at the fourth woman and said, “Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?”

She replied, “He loves me so much that he bought me lessons to a charm school so I could learn to say ‘Oh, how nice’ instead of sarcastically saying ‘Oh, ya, right’ after everything you ladies say.”


Merv was in a terrible accident at work.

He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.

At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.

It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

“Do you notice anything different about me?” and, to his surprise, the young man answered, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”


I think my sister Sarah sent me this originally but if it was someone else, I apologise.

Please pass around this new warning! This is a serious threat!

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand:

This virus has been dubbed by experts in the field the “Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK)” virus. It is highly contagious and spreading rampantly. Be on your guard!

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, do not touch it! The consequences are severe: this virus can wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest retail outlet for either of the two known antidotes — both work equally well:

Work-Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or

Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take either or both antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Warning: Severe cases can be cleared out with Liquid Intensely Quenching Ultimate Obliteration Remedy (LIQUOR), which has multiple side effects, but sometimes is the only cure.

Your best remedy, as always, is avoidance. Approach possible WORK infestations with great care.


 

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