11 December 2016 – Amusements

I know we’ve had this before but I still like it:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”


Have we had this before? Probably.

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, “My name is Henry Davis. Can you please tell me what room I am in?”

“Certainly sir,” said the clerk. “You’re in the lobby.”


At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.

“Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn’t even hold me or the kids,” Suzie continued. “Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil’s scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place.”

Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.

“Today,” Suzie announced in a quivering voice, “Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital. His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the congregation and said, “I’m Phil.” The entire assembly held its collective breath. “I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”


 

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