A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.
A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. “My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”
“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man sobbing loudly, “I’m trying to give up drinking.”
A lawyer phones the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaims the lawyer.
The governor’s assistant wakes the governor and hands him the phone. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbles the governor.
“Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” begs the attorney.
“Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the undertaker,” replies the governor.
This from my friend Julie:
Pensioner’s Holiday
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” the travel agent asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that miserable old bastard I had to share the room with?”
ACTUALLY, SOME WOMEN ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING …….