Greg's Occasional News & Views

Monthly Archives: July 2017

30 July 2017 – Amusements

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun.

The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their testicles which paralyzes the animal with pain so I can lock him in the truck.”

The man says, “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?”

The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.” Continue reading

30 July 2017

Another good(ish) week – what are the chances of that? We did, finally, get a bit of the rain which has been threatened by the forecasters for the past several weeks. The weather map on Tuesday evening was awash with deep blue rain-signifying symbols covering the entire country. On Wednesday it did, indeed, rain but not nearly the deluge we had been led to believe would arrive. Instead we had a gentle sprinkle for much of the day which will have done Penelope’s garden a world of good but probably won’t fill the reservoirs to overflowing. Continue reading

23 July 2017

It’s been a half decent week, I guess. A bit of warm sunshine, a bit of drizzle and misty rain, as well as a bit of windy wind. And while it’s been a half decent week on the weather front, it’s been another disastrous week in the unfolding drama of what a nightmare Brexit will bring. There’s been a new warning from one think tank or another almost every day. When it all does go belly-up I guess those responsible will at least have to concede that they were warned. Continue reading

16 July 2017

Another good week – what are the chances of that? Good weather on the whole and the long-anticipated and much needed rain finally arrived, in a fashion, on Tuesday. Not the torrential downpours we had been promised but a light, steady rain which was very much welcomed by the flowers and vegetables in Penelope’s garden. Continue reading

16 July 2017 – Amusements

Hunter was 5-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He was playing outside with the other kids when he came into the house and asked, “Grandpa, what’s it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”

His Grandpa was a little uncomfortable with the question, but he decided honesty was the best policy. “Well, Hunter, that’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh,” Little Hunter said, “OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said, “Grandpa, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.” Continue reading

9 July 2017

It’s been another very pleasant week indeed, depending on one’s perspective to some extent, I suppose. We’ve had fine weather – largely sunny and warm, but we’ve not had the rain which was predicted for Thursday and Penelope’s garden is feeling mighty parched. We can still water it ourselves until the authorities introduce the first hosepipe ban of the season but a thunderous outburst would be most welcome. Continue reading

9 July 2017 – Amusements

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.” Continue reading

2 July 2107

Not really but the contrast between last week’s sweltering temperatures and this week’s more modest offerings is striking. Wednesday last week was the hottest day of the “heatwave” and on Thursday the temperature was about 10o cooler, much more in keeping with normal June temperatures. That’s continued through much of this week except that it has continued to cool down so that on Thursday of this week it was a good 15o lower than it had been – sweaters and jackets once again the order of the day! Continue reading

2 July 2017 – Amusements

I think we’ve had this before?

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No, sir, you’ll have to do that yourself.” Continue reading

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