Greg's Occasional News & Views

30 July 2017 – Amusements

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun.

The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their testicles which paralyzes the animal with pain so I can lock him in the truck.”

The man says, “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?”

The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.”


A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $5,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.

The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”


A guy walks into a restaurant with a small dog. The waiter says, “Sir, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here.”

The guy replies, “But this isn’t just any dog … this dog can play the piano!”

The waiter responds, “Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay and have a meal on the house!”

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart … and the waiter and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.

The waiter asks the guy, “What was that all about?”

The guy says, “Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor.”


 

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