31 December 2017 – Amusements
Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn’t let it pass without this story about the Royal Air Force hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl’s school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. “So there were two of the f***ers behind me, three f***ers to my right, and another f***er on the left,” he told the audience.
The headmistress went pale and interjected: “Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft.”
Sir Douglas replied, “That is true, madam, but these f***ers were Messerschmitts.
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”
Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”
He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
“How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself”
“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “… and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no! It’s not that drunk Nun again is it?”