Greg's Occasional News & Views

18 March 2018 – Amusements

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I welcome you into the family!” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operation.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”


I know we’ve had this before . . .

A dog lover, whose bitch was ‘in heat’ agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while they were away on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious stress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen when they mate.

She was unable to separate them and was worried as what to do next. Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked doubtfully.

“Why not?” he replied. “It just did for me.”


An Australian drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile under his arm. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says, ‘I’ll make you all a deal. I’ll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he’ll open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.’

The crowd murmured their approval. So the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile’s open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. But sure enough, after a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. After polishing off several pints the man stood up again and made another offer, ‘I’ll pay $100 to anyone who’s willing to give this little stunt a try.’

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, ‘I’ll try it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard with that bottle!’


 

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