Greg's Occasional News & Views

Monthly Archives: April 2018

22 April 2018

At last! We’ve had some half decent weather this week. There have been a couple of days when it was actually warm and sunny! What are the chances of that? The decent weather gave me the opportunity to mow the lawns for the first time this season and, more importantly, allowed Ms Playchute to get out and start digging her vegetable garden. We’re easily two weeks behind where we should be by now and stuff that should have been in the ground is still awaiting the opportunity. Unfortunately, as far as the lawn-mowing process is concerned, the damn grass will now grow like a teenager during a growth spurt to make up for lost time. Continue reading

22 April 2018 – Amusements

A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister’s three-month-old baby.

Two women approached the mother. “Are they twins?” one asked.

“No, they’re three months apart.”

“My! You sure had them close together.” Continue reading

15 April 2018

Another wet, damp, dismal and dreary week, just for a change. The weather people say, though, that this coming week should be much better – here’s hoping.

Jackdaws (and crows generally) are very clever birds. I suspect that the one(s) which found themselves down our dining room fireplace learned never to attempt to build a nest on a chimney pot again, or at least not on our dining room chimney pot. What a shame that the humans who inhabit the place were not smart enough to do something about the chimney before the second batch of jackdaws made their way down. Continue reading

15 April 2018 – Amusements

“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”

“No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.”

“Did I dial the wrong number?

“No sir, Google bought the pizza store.”

“Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please.”

“Okay sir, do you want the usual?”

“The usual? You know what my usual is?”

“According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.”

“Okay, that’s what I want this time too.”

“May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?”

“No, I hate vegetables.”

“But your cholesterol is not good.”

“How do you know?”

“Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“You know what, I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!”

“I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport… it expired 5 weeks ago.” Continue reading

8 April 2018

Thursday was one of those days you dream about in the dark dismal depths of winter and/or during the rain-sodden days of early spring. It was bright, clear and, most importantly, dry. This is in marked contrast to the rest of the week – we’ve had more rain this week than Noah. It has been relentless and the area has even experienced some local flooding, something which we don’t see too often around here. So, Thursday’s splendid beauty was very welcome indeed. Unfortunately, that was merely a brief respite – more rain!

Continue reading

8 April 2018 – Amusements

A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.

Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totalling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.

He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn’t run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.

“How did you do?” asked the bride.

The groom shrugged and said, “I lost two dollars.” Continue reading

1 April 2018

A mixed week – some very pleasant and even warm sunny afternoons and more wind and rain from any of the various Beasts from the East. It was so pleasant on Monday that we spent the afternoon in the garden, wrestling with and ripping out vegetation. Very satisfying, I’m sure.

Continue reading

1 April 2018 – Amusements

A lady moved from Phoenix to Seattle and when she arrived it was raining. While she moved in, it rained. The next day it rained, and the next, and then the next.

After several rainy days, while standing on her porch, she noticed a young boy on the porch of her neighbor’s house. Trying not to sound too depressed, in a cheerful voice she called over to the lad, “Hi son, I’m your new neighbor.”

“Hi,” the boy called back and waved.

“Say, son, does it ever stop raining here?” she asked.

With a look of consternation, the youngster replied, “Lady, how would I know? I’m only six years old!” Continue reading

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