24 June 2018 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie although I think we’ve probably had it before.

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with John, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. Continue reading “24 June 2018 – Amusements”

17 June 2018 – Amusements

An important and very well publicised murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O’Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, “Property holder?”

Dan replied, “Yes, I am, Your Honor.”

Then he was asked, “Married or single?”

Dan responded, “Married for twenty years, Your Honor.”

Then the judge asked, “Formed or expressed an opinion?”

Dan stated with certainty, “Not in twenty years, Your Honor.” Continue reading “17 June 2018 – Amusements”

10 June 2018

Another good week – what are the chances of that? The weather has been tolerably tolerable and we’ve spent many a “happy” hour toiling in the garden. Penelope, of course, spends most of her time beating the garden into submission; I get involved only on an ad hoc basis when there are things that require my particular skill set. I.e., tasks which do not require much thinking or understanding of good gardening practice and which may or may not involve heavy lifting. And even then, I still mess up! Continue reading “10 June 2018”

10 June 2018 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie:

While riding my Harley the other day, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while slowly unbuttoning her blouse. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my bike I guess.” Continue reading “10 June 2018 – Amusements”

3 June 2018 – Amusements

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, “Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?”

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbour holding onto a restless and agitated pig. “What are you planning to do with that?” he asks.

“I’m carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub.”

“Why do you wanna’ do a thing like that?”

“Well, you see, it’s my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again…she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the Middle East again … she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I’ll wait for her to come running to me screaming ‘THERE’S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE’S A PIG IN BATH!'”

And I’ll just turn to her and say, “Yeah, I know!” Continue reading “3 June 2018 – Amusements”