30 December 2018 – Amusements
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.
“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?” asked the man.
“Trump’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”