Greg's Occasional News & Views

6 January 2019 – Amusements

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something I’ve never done before…. I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but as it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know  where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it..

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.


Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. He, too, has not looked at a woman in over three years, and furthermore, he hasn’t smoked or touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”


This originally came to me from my father and is recycled from 2006:

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE ONE 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” 

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” 

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.” 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE TWO 

To the optimist, the glass is half full. 
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. 
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE THREE 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” 

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” “Hi George! Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” 

The group was silent for a moment, then the pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” 

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” 

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?” 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE FOUR 

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? 
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE FIVE 

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?” 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE SIX 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. 

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer.” Just look at all the joints.” 

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. 

The last one said, “Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?” 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE SEVEN 

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet. 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE EIGHT 

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. 

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. 

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. 

The engineer said, “I like both.” 

“Both?” 

Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.” 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS – TAKE NINE 

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” 

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. 

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. 

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” 

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” 

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”


 

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