Greg's Occasional News & Views

17 February 2019 – Amusements

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person’s age. The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. “Is that right?” he asked the boy.

“Oh yes.” the boy said. 

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. 

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn’t believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. 

Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, “BeGabbers, he’s right! Farty-two!”


A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

“Not guilty,” the blonde answered emphatically.

The prosecutor then approached the blonde and said, “Is it true that on the 11th of December last year you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100 mph through the centre of London in a blizzard and you were totally nude?”

The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said, “What was the date again?”


A young, well-educated man on his first business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.

“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let’s talk.”

The cowboy looks at him and says, “Well I s’pose that’d be all right. What’d ya like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the young man with a hint of sarcasm. “How about nuclear proliferation?”

“Hmm,” says the cowboy, sensing the young man’s attempt to belittle him. “That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first: horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff— grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me then,” says the cowboy with a knowing smile, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss geopolitics when you don’t know shit?”


 

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