Greg's Occasional News & Views

24 March 2019 – Amusements

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. As time passed and no cars appeared on the road, he began to feel desperate.

Suddenly, he saw a car approach and it stopped just a few feet ahead of him. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car continued slowly forward, apparently of its own accord. Scared, he couldn’t move but started praying fervently.

The guy looked ahead and saw a curve in the road approaching.

He sat, immobilized, as he begged for his life. He hadn’t come out of his state of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel, steering the car to safety. The guy, paralyzed by terror, watched the hand appear through the window to save him every time before a curve.

The hitchhiker gathered up his strength, jumped out of the ghostly car, and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he stumbled into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, then proceeded to tell everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped the crowd as they realized the man was really crying and wasn’t drunk.

About half an hour later, two strangers walked into the same cantina, tired and damp. One of the men elbowed the other and pointed. “Look Pete. That’s the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing.”

“According to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. They just won’t bother to tell you.” -Seth Meyers


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