Greg's Occasional News & Views

14 April 2019 – Amusements

I’ve often said this about our boys.

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?”


The 5 toughest questions for men are:

  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

  1. Baseball.
  2. Football.
  3. How fat you are.
  4. How much prettier she is than you.
  5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

  1. Oh Yeah, tons.
  2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  3. That depends on what you mean by love.
  4. Does it matter?
  5. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

  1. Compared to what?
  2. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
  3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  4. I’ve seen fatter.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

  1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
  2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
  3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
  4. Define pretty.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette!”)


Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.

“Aye, it’s going to be grand,” said Jim. “I’ve got everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

“Heavens, I’ve even got a new kilt to be married in,” continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

“A kilt, that’s grand! You’ll look smart in that,” exclaimed Finlay, “and what’s the tartan?”

“Och,” uttered Jim, “I imagine she’ll be in white.”


 

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