26 May 2019 – Amusements
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snapped back, saying, “It’s Wales, you idiot!”
I immediately apologised. “I’m sorry,” I said, “are you two whales from Ireland?”
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up.
“So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“So what is it going to be?” asks the doctor.
The man says, “We’re getting new granite counter tops.”
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. “Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again.”
But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, “You’re three hours late. What took you so long?”
“Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 27 handicap.”