Monthly Archives: July 2019
Scorcio! A blisteringly hot week with temperatures reaching 38o C (just over 100o F). Don’t worry folks, there’s nothing to see here – climate change is just fake news.
Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.
She’s still laughing. Continue reading
Oh, it’s been a busy, chaotic yet productive week in Moreton Pinkney. We survived the village fête, the plumber has been and carried out his first fix and the builders arrived on Wednesday to start the Great Break Through! We are now thoroughly covered in dust and look forward to spending the next couple of months in a similar state of messiness! Oh, the joy. Continue reading
I’d just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, “I haven’t eaten for two days!”
I told him, “That’s great. I wish I had your will power.” Continue reading
Another decent week – what are the chances of that? A bit grey and muggy on a couple of days but reasonably sunny and warm otherwise. Long may it continue.
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?” Continue reading
Having complained for weeks about our crappy weather I guess I must commend it when it proves to be delightful. So, just to set the record straight, we have had some gloriously sunny days over the past week with the occasional scorcher of a day thrown in. Lovely.
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for a while. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?” Continue reading