24 May 2020 – Amusements

For my brother Steph who reminded me of one of my favourite jokes last week:

A gorilla is walking through the jungle one day and comes across a lion bent over a small stream taking a drink. The gorilla thinks for a moment how he can get one over on the “king of the jungle.” He carefully sneaks up to the lion, leaps on his back and has his way with him.

When he is finished the gorilla takes off running with a very angry lion hot on his hills. As they run through the jungle the gorilla gets a bit of a lead and suddenly comes across a British safari camp.

Thinking quickly the gorilla grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He quickly sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “Do you mean the one that fucked a lion up the ass?”

The lion exclaims, “Oh my God! It’s in the paper already?”


Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.

  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  6. War does not determine who is right–only who is left.
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  9. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
  10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
  12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
  14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

This used to be particularly relevant to me with one son in Los Angeles and one in China.

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?”


 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.