A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He Got into the taxi, and said, “Perfect timing. You’re just Like Andy.”
Passenger: “Andy Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that to Andy Sullivan, every single time.”
Cabbie: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Passenger: “Not Andy Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Cabbie: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Passenger: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andy Sullivan, he could do everything right.”
Cabbie: “Wow. Some guy then.”
Passenger: “Yep, and he really knew how to treat a woman. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andy Sullivan.”
Cabbie: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Passenger: “Well, I never actually met Andy. He died. I’m married to his damned widow.”
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
- Who the hell is this?
- Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
- Yeah, and I love you too. What’s up with you?
- What now? Did you wreck the car again?
- I don’t understand what you mean?
- What the hell did you do now?
- You’re kidding, right?
- Don’t beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
- Am I dreaming?
- If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
- I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day. (my favorite)
- Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong. While passing through a Jewish neighborhood he was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, “You’re a Jew?”
“Yes, I’m Jewish,” replied the Brooklynite.
“Funny,” said the Chinese rabbi. “You don’t look it.”