Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, at age 83, looked him over and replied, “Nope.”
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, “Maybe You shoulda bought a new hat.”
The minister’s wife was a wonder at conserving food and rarely had to throw away a bit of it. At one meal she gave her pastor husband nothing but leftovers that the parson viewed with great disdain. He began to pick at the food, causing his wife to say, “Dear, you forgot the blessing.”
“Listen, sweetheart, if you can show me one item that hasn’t been blessed at least two times, I can’t see what another prayer can do for it.”
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.
“So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said, “Well, it might be okay in California and New York, but we’re not having any of that crap in Texas.”