31 January 2021 – Amusements

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialled the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?


I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, ‘Thanks for putting up with me so long.’

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

“Just where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.”


Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name’s Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.”

“Great,” says Jeff, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Stan is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you. Gonna be some drinkin!”

“Not a problem” says Jeff. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.”

“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

“More’n likely be some wild sex, too,”

“Now that’s really not a problem” says Jeff, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”


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