It’s old and we’ve had it before but . . .
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, “Panty stitcher… I sew the elastic onto women’s panties.”
The clerk looked up panty stitcher in her table. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter,” he replied.
Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, “Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor.”
“What skill?!” yelled the panty stitcher. “I sew the elastic, and he pulls on it and says, “Yep, dese’ll fit ‘er.”
An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful woman are sitting together on a train. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel and, as there are no lights in the carriages, it goes completely black. Then, there’s a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the beautiful woman and the Irishman are sitting as if nothing has happened, and the Englishman has his hand against his face as though he’s been slapped.
The Englishman is thinking: “The Irish fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
The woman is thinking: “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”
And the Irishman is thinking: “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap the English bastard again.”
A married man is having an affair with his secretary. One day their passion gets out of control and they take off for her house where they make passionate love all afternoon. Exhaused, they fall asleep, waking up after eight pm.
As the man throws on his clothes he asks the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complies. Then, he rushes home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demands as soon as he opens the door.
“Darling, you know I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. We’ve been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep.”
The wife takes one glance at her husband’s shoes and then shouts, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf again!”