A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, “Handy man wanted; apply within.”
So he does and speaks to the foreman.
“Can you drive a Bobcat?” the foreman asks.
“No.”
“Can you plaster?”
“No.”
“Have you ever done any carpentry?”
“No.”
“If you don’t mind me asking,” says the foreman, “what’s so handy about you?”
“Well, I only live about five minutes down the road…”
What the Doctor says and what he really means
Doctor: “This should be taken care of right away.”
Translation: I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Doctor: “Let me check your medical history.”
Translation: I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.”
Doctor: “We have some good news and some bad news.”
Translation: The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
Doctor: “Let me schedule you for some tests.”
Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
Doctor: “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
Translation: I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
Doctor: “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
Translation: I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
Doctor: “I’d like to run some more tests.”
Translation: I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.
A man in Oregon walked away with minor injuries after he fell asleep in a dumpster and ended up in a trash compacter. It raises a lot of questions, and the answer to all of them is tequila.