7 November 2021 Amusements

Two hillbillies are on the front porch sipping moonshine when a truck drives past loaded with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery,” announced hillbilly #1.

“Do what?” asks hillbilly #2.

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I’m not that kind!”

“Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he protested.

“Really?” she said, softening. “Well, how many models have there been?”

“Four so far,” he replied, thinking back. “A jug, two apples and a vase.”

One from my father’s extensive archive:

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: “That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Yetta: “Vell…. I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but such a beautiful car . . . a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner . . . Marvellous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show . . . let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So, then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!”

Sadie: “Oy! Vey . . . so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Yetta: “No . . . I’m just saying that if you go, wear an old dress.”

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