8 May 2022 – Amusements

These are all out of my father’s archive. . .

DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God: 

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God:

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride. I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God:

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God:

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God:

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God:

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:

Can you undo what that doctor did?


In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in the highest esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”

“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?”

“That’s right!” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is absolutely true?”

“No,” the man said, “I actually just heard about it and…”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So, you don’t really know if it’s true or not.

Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true.

You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem……it also explains why he never found out his best friend was sleeping with his wife.


Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year.

One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, “Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?”

“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” Lena replied.

Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, “Lena, vould you a cocktail before supper?”

“Oh, no, Ole,” Lena said, “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”

Ole was a little taken back, but he didn’t say much about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one.

“Oh, no, Ole,” Lena said, “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he’d struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose.

“Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?”

“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” she replied.

Ole couldn’t believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the motel office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the motel room.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. “Vat have I done, vat have I done?” Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. “Lena, I’ve got to ask you von thing.”

“Vot’s dat?” she said, sleepily.

“Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

“The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don’t have to drink and smoke to have a good time.”


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