A man was marooned on a desert island for five years. One day a beautiful woman arrived in a wet suit.
“When did you last have a smoke?” she asked.
“Five years ago,” said the man.
She pulled a Cuban cigar out of her wet suit and he smoked it.
She unzipped her wet suit a bit and asked, “When did you last have a drink?”
“Five years ago,” he said.
She pulled a bottle of 20-year-old Scotch out of her wet suit and gave it to the man who had a drink.
She unzipped her wet suit a bit more and said, “And when was the last time you played around?”
The man looked at her in amazement. “You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?”
A man visits his doctor who determines that he has a heart issue.
“You’ll be fine,” says the doctor, “as long as you take these pills.”
“Do I have to take them every day?” asks the man.
“No,” says the doctor. “You take one on Monday and then skip Tuesday. Take another on Wednesday and skip Thursday. On Friday take another pill and skip Saturday. Then, take another pill on Sunday and so on.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and he bumps into the man’s wife.
“Oh, hello Mrs Murphy. How’s your husband doing now?” asks the doctor.
“I’m afraid he died of a heart attack,” says the wife.
“Oh, I am sorry,” says the doctor. “I thought he would be fine if he took the tablets.”
“Oh, the tablets were fine,” says the wife. “It was all that bloody skipping that killed him.”
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favourite “adult” restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old’s antics and pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, “If you don’t start behaving, you’ll never eat out with us again!”
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. “Look dear,” he said. “Quality time!”