A man and a woman were having sex on the sofa when the phone rang.
“Who was that?” the guy asked.
“My husband,” she replied.
“Oh no, I better get going then,” the guy said. “Where was he when he phoned?”
“You can relax,” said the woman. “He’s downtown playing poker with you.”
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
“Douche-bag!” the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?”
His son looks at him and says, “Too late, douche-bag.”
A woman went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and found her husband shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.