Two guys talking in a bar: “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.”
“What is she doing ’til 5 a.m.?” the pal asked.
“Waiting for me to get home.”
A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
“Oh, Sam,” she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, “isn’t there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?”
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, “Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms – is that really what you want for us?”
“No, no…” she sobbed, heartsick.
“Oh,” said the lawyer. “Well, it was just a suggestion.”
Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, “That’s the nicest thing I’ve even seen you do!”
The man looked back at him and said, “Well, that’s the least I could do after 20 years of marriage…”