A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate their pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5.00 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud so the farmer hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued morning after morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning the farmer was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” shouted his wife, “They’re in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn!”
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to Rolls Royce.
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo.”
The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes, I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there too? You now, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo.”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away and went straight to the dealer where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So, the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man. He’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..”
Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.”