My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20’s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”
“Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?” I asked.
“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.”
A man’s car breaks down on a rural road. No cell reception. In the distance, he spots a farmhouse and walks over to ask for help.
He rings the doorbell. No answer. But he hears noise behind the house, so he walks around. There he finds a farmer standing next to a pen with three pigs.
“Excuse me,” the man begins.
“Hold on,” says the farmer. “Gotta feed the pigs first.” The man watches as the farmer picks up one pig, carries it to a ladder leaning against an apple tree, climbs up with the pig, and holds it out so it can bite an apple. Then he climbs back down and returns the pig to the pen. The man blinks. The farmer repeats the entire process with the second pig. Then the third.
Finally finished, the farmer walks over. “What can I do for you?”
“My car broke down. Can I use your phone? But first… wouldn’t it be faster to just pick the apples and throw them into the pen?”
The farmer thinks for a long moment. “Yeah… I suppose that would be faster.” He shrugs. “But what’s time to a pig?”
This came originally (some time ago) from my friend Julie in Australia.
Ralph, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so he bought a pair and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Ethel, age 75, looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ralph stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
He asked Ethel a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Ethel looked up and said in her best deadpan look, “Ralph, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ralph yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ETHEL?”
“Nope. Not a clue, Ralph,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”
Without missing a beat Ethel replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ralph. Shoulda bought a hat.