An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person’s age. The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. “Is that right?” he asked the boy.

“Oh yes.” the boy said. 

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. 

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn’t believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. 

Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, “BeGabbers, he’s right! Farty-two!” Continue reading →

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.

“It’s still winter,” I replied. “Forget it.”

In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.

In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. “Aren’t you ashamed?” she asked. “How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?”

Glancing up at my wife, I responded, “She doesn’t like beer.” Continue reading →

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”

Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.” Continue reading →

“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.

“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Doug suggested.

“I just don’t think I can do that to my wife.”

“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!”

So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”

“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried it so many times and it’s never worked.” Continue reading →

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

“Not really,” Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.” Continue reading →