Greg's Occasional News & Views

Greg

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21 October 2018 – Amusements

A man finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The man is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.

Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!” Continue reading

7 October 2018

Welcome to October. We’ve had a lovely week with a couple of simply gorgeous days – Thursday was stunning with warm, bright sunshine and a light breeze – good enough to make you think that perhaps the cold, wet weather will hold off indefinitely. And then Saturday came and it rained all day! Quelle Merde! Continue reading

7 October 2018 – Amusements

A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?”

“Well, no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that. But it’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.” Continue reading

30 September 2018

What a lovely, lovely week. We’ve had some gorgeous sunny days with bright blue skies and unseasonably warm temperatures – up to 20C in the middle of the week. I think that’s what is sometimes known as an Indian Summer! Penelope has been taking advantage of the fine weather and has been gardening as if any day now normal weather conditions will prevail. I also was involved but fortunately my tool of choice was a chainsaw (used under relatively close supervision, of course) as I removed an overgrown and misplaced bay tree and the most vicious rose bush known to mankind. Adam and I have also continued our progress on the never-ending garden project which moves slowly closer toward completion. We’ll have a description and photos soon, I promise! Continue reading

30 September 2018 – Amusements

The man selling two-dollar tickets at Monmouth Racetrack registered complete surprise when a horse stepped up to the window, and asked to bet on himself.

“What’s the matter?” snorted the horse. “Are you astonished that I can talk?”

“Not at all,” said the man. “I’m surprised that you think you can win.” Continue reading

23 September 2018

Well, it wasn’t quite 27C on Tuesday as predicted by one of our Pilates classmates last week but it was decidedly balmy. We had the remnants of tropical storm Ali busting its way through the British Isles with a fair bit of rain and strong winds drawing in warm weather from the south – warm, wet and windy, in other words, rather like a toddler in nappies. Continue reading

23 September 2018 – Amusements

Jack goes to his friend Joe and says, “I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?”

Joe doesn’t like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the service, Joe starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Joe what he’s really up to.

Joe, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Joe’s shoulder and says, “If I were you I’d hurry home right now. Because my wife died a year ago.” Continue reading

16 September 2018

Autumn seems to be but just around the corner. The mornings have turned decidedly crisper and the two of our trees which do anything colourful have already started displaying their first blushes. Still, someone at Pilates on Friday announced that it was supposed to be 27o Celsius on Tuesday (80 F). That would be nice, but most everyone reckoned she must have been looking at the wrong country. Continue reading

16 September 2018 – Amusements

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed, “because you only left with seven.” Continue reading

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