27 September 2020

Well, that was nice while it lasted. The Indian Summer, I mean. I had been hoping for a prolonged affair – perhaps two or three months but I guess that’s just being greedy. But something longer than two or three days would have been nice. As it is we’ve had an Arctic Plume over the UK for the latter part of this week and, while it’s not exactly freezing, it is certainly feeling very autumnal. Would it be too much to ask for another couple of weeks in October?

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27 September 2020 – Amusements

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician.

“Five hundred dollars? That’s impossible. No one charges that much!”

“In your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.”

“Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.”

“Well, then, could you afford two hundred?”

“Who has that kind of money?”

“Look, replies the doctor,” growing irritated, “Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?”

“I can give you fifty,” says the man. “Take it or leave it.”

“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?”

“Listen, Doctor,” says the patient, “When it comes to my health, nothing is too good!”

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20 September 2020 – Amusements

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible man alive.

No wait…sorry. I am thinking of scotch. It’s scotch that does all that.

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13 September 2020 – Amusements

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, at age 83, looked him over and replied, “Nope.”

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, “Maybe You shoulda bought a new hat.”

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30 August 2020

We could do with more Scorcio and less Blowio and Wettio! It’s been a miserable week – Storm Francis blew through with gale force winds and lashings and lashings of rain. Now, the weather has pivoted and we’re sucking in cold winds from the Arctic with temperatures more akin to late November or December. The forecasters are suggesting that Monday, the August Bank Holiday, could be the coldest on record. Freezio!

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30 August 2020 – Amusements

Two girl friends were meeting over coffee and one was describing her recent date with a handsome young lawyer.

“So, what was it like?” asked the friend.

“Well, we went to this swanky restaurant out on the bay. I had lobster bisque and afterwards we went back to my apartment and yada, yada, yada. He never called me again!”

“Wait,” said the friend. “You ‘yada, yada, yadad’ over the best part!”

“No,” she said. “I mentioned the bisque.”

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