We’ve just received Penelope’s car back from our friendly neighbourhood garage after a peculiar incident – one evening last week she discovered that the whole of her front grill, including the number plate, had gone missing. Intriguingly, she heard nothing to indicate that the front of her car was falling or had fallen off and was perplexed as to how and when it might have happened. Continue reading
Pauly walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, Pauly, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, eh?”
Pauly says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your first pay check!”
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me on top of all this?” Continue reading
Phew! Scorcio! We’ve had a great week enjoying the English summer – six days with no rain and temperatures in the high 70s to 80s! Absolutely marvellous and great while it lasts. Keep up the good work! It’s also been another busy, busy week – two trips to London, two galleries and a West End show, lunch at Wahaca as well as a mid-week gastronomic masterpiece at the Dun Cow Pizzeria! Continue reading
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza. Continue reading
A week is a long time in politics? Try 3 days! The first two rounds of the Conservative Party leadership contest whittled the five pretenders down to two – Theresa May and our local MP, Andrea Leadsom. On Monday, Leadsome withdrew from the race (she had performed astonishingly poorly in an interview with the Times and was quite clearly not up to the job. The good news is that she recognised that she was not remotely capable of becoming PM). Continue reading
One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalogue and admiring all the beautiful models.
Ole said to Sven, “Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?”
Sven replied, “Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!”
Ole looked wide eyed and said, “Yumpin’ yimminy. Dey ain’t very expensive. At dees prices I’m buyin’ me vun.”
Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, “by golly Ole, if she’s as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too.”
Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, “did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?”
Ole replied, “no, but it von’t be long now, her clothes came yesterday!” Continue reading
For the first time in a very long time, it’s actually been a moderately decent week. We even had some sunshine! To be fair, most days have been grey and windy with spitterings of rain but the occasional burst of sunshine seems to be all the more appreciated for its relative rarity so far this summer. I guess we’re saving up our decent weather for when our multitude of guests arrive during the weeks to come. Continue reading
This from my friend Julie
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, Steve’s Place, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”
“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our “you-know-what”, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, reducing the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.” Continue reading
A week is a long time in politics. Over the past week or so, twenty minutes has seemed a long time! I genuinely don’t know where to begin because, as I have often written, you can’t make this stuff up! Continue reading
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s back porch, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “No.. umm.. no.. I didn’t. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after the kids buried him in the backyard we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!” Continue reading