Greg's Occasional News & Views

Greg

15 December 2019

So, it’s definitely true. Turkeys do vote for Christmas. The electorate in the UK have decided that a pathological liar, a misogynistic racist narcissist is the best choice to lead this country into irrelevancy. What could possibly go wrong? A thoroughly sad and depressing result. Continue reading

15 December 2019 – Amusements

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I’m not that kind!”

“Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he protested.

“Really?” she said, softening. “Well, how many models have there been?”

“Four so far,” he replied, thinking back. “A jug, two apples and a vase.” Continue reading

8 December 2019

Not one, not two, nor even three. On Wednesday we had ten builders on site – I guess my rant at the end of last week had an impact. Count ‘em – ten! Four electricians, a plumber, two plasterers, two labourers and our usual very patient carpenter. And, it’s remarkable how the presence of other trades folks encourages the patient carpenter to get a bit of a move-on. Continue reading

8 December 2019 – Amusements

Baby’s First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied…

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, But I’m glad I came.” Continue reading

1 December 2019

What a miserable, miserable week. Depressingly dismal, dreary and drizzly. And miserable. It’s been cloudy and wet all week and then on Friday, when the sun does put in an appearance and the skies turn bright and blue, the temperature plummets through the floor. Oh my goodness, only four or five more months of this! Continue reading

1 December 2019 – Amusements

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”

He said he did and thanked me.

The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent in Chinese?” Continue reading

24 November 2019 – Amusements

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, don’t you like your beer cold? Why don’t you start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Austria and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other when they moved away that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I hope nothing has happened to one of your brothers.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.” Continue reading

17 November 2019

Boy is it quiet around here! After a year, four months and four days (but who’s counting?) Adam, Ava and Jessie were finally able to move into their new home last Sunday. The silence in the mornings can be somewhat disconcerting until one remembers that the dynamo that is Jessie is no longer in residence. Continue reading

17 November 2019 – Amusements

A Sunday School teacher wanted to use squirrels as an example of a diligent work ethic and being prepared. She started the lesson by saying, “I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.” The children were excited to show her what they knew and leaned forward eagerly.

“I’m thinking of something that lives in trees and eats nuts.” No hands went up. “It can be gray or brown and it has a long bushy tail.” The children looked around the room at each other, but still no one raised a hand.

“It chatters and sometimes it flips its tail when it’s excited?”

Finally one little boy shyly raised his hand. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Okay, Michael. What do you think it is?”

“Well,” said the boy, “I know the answer’s supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.” Continue reading

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