Week one of our government-sponsored enforced incarceration, week two of our self-imposed isolation. We’re still talking to one another (just) and getting through (slowly) a number of tasks and jobs that needed doing as well as walking across the fields most days when the weather stays fine. Hope you are all well. Continue reading
Pretty sure we’ve had this before . . .
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’ Continue reading
This week we have mainly been self-isolating, hiding indoors most of the time hoping to avoid just about everyone and washing our hands every 20 seconds for ten minutes. Is that right? We’re coping well so far – after about three days we’re at least still talking to one another. According to the government we’ve only got another three or four months to go until the worst is over. Continue reading
Long-time friends were celebrating their 50th anniversary. One of their sons gave a loving toast, finishing with, “and thank you for having such a beautiful marriage.”
“Thank you for making it necessary,” the father joked.
In the silence that followed, his wife whispered, “Not him. He’s the second son.” Continue reading
Another great week of rain, rain, wind and rain apart from the odd and very occasional bit of sunshine when the wind blows hard enough to blow the clouds away. A lovely reminder of how nice it can, occasionally, be. Continue reading
We’ve had this before but I still like it.
“And so, after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”
“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”
“And, when was that?”
“When he asked for the second cup.” Continue reading
We had our first (and hopefully last?) smattering of snow on Thursday. We awoke to a smidgeon of a sprinkle, like icing sugar dusted across the garden. Thankfully, it was mostly gone by about noon and in its place we had more rain. Quelle surprise! Continue reading
There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked.
“What’s the point?” my husband said. “They die after about a week.”
“So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like having you around.” Continue reading
It’s been a miserable, miserable week. Storm Dennis has left areas north of us under water and it has done little this week apart from rain, rain, and rain accompanied by gale force winds and then a bit more rain. Even around here, where we haven’t had any actual flooding, the ground is completely saturated and the rivers are certainly at their peak.
An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, “I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.”
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.
Then she said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity.”
The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his arm around her shoulders.
The elderly woman then stated,” I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine.”
This time the old man started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room his wife asked, “Was it something I said? Where are you going?”
The old man looked at her and replied, “I’m going to the bathroom to get my teeth!” Continue reading