Amusements – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

16 February 2025 – Amusements

9 February 2025 – Amusements

2 February 2025 – Amusements

26 January 2025 – Amusements

19 January 2025 – Amusements

12 January 2025 – Amusements

5 January 2025 – Amusements

29 December 2024 – Amusements

22 December 2024 – Amusements

15 December 2024 – Amusements

Ken was fifty, and his wife Liz was forty-eight. They had a very old car. “I’m going to sell this car,” Ken said to Liz last month, but nobody wanted to buy it because it was old and did not run well.

Last Friday, Ken said to Liz, “I’ve got some work in Boxbury. Come with me and do your shopping there.” Liz was very happy, because her husband very seldom took her out, and she usually shopped in their small village.

Ken drove their old car to the River Dee. There was a ferry there, and cars and trucks crossed on it to the other side. It was the shortest way to Boxbury. The ferryman came to Ken and said, “A pound for the car and twenty-five pence for the passenger.”

Ken answered, “Take the car for a pound, but I’m not going to sell my wife for less than fifty pence.”

Pretty sure we’ve had this before:

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be darned,” then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “Oh, I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

“The cupcakes look delicious, Mike.” his uncle said. He took a bite and said, “Mikey these are so good.” As he finished the cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. “The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey,” his uncle said. “How did you get the icing so neat?”

His nephew replied, “It was easy. I just licked them.”

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. “You licked all of these?”

Mikey replied, “Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, so I got the dog to help.”

We’ve had these before . . .

A Red Sox fan goes into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan, “Except for Mr. Yankee.”

The Yankee fan smiles and says, “Thank you.”

Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankee. This goes on for a while until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender, “He owns the place.”

A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

Mary tried her hand at baking cinnamon rolls for the first time. She put them on the breakfast table, and Jack picked one up and took a bite. Mary waited for several minutes for the compliment that never came. Finally, she asked, “How much do you think I would get if I sold those cinnamon rolls commercially?”

“Oh, no more than ten years,” Jack replied, never putting down the morning paper.

Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. “Would you care for chardonnay or burgundy?” he asked the high-paying passengers.

A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle. “Excuse me,” he said, looking down at us, “would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red.”

The following all arrived from John Jelliffe once upon a time. All on the theme of “And that’s how the fight started.” Thanks John.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

Just the one for you this week – I received this once upon a time from Penny’s sister J.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

4 Carol's Birthday 00:00 4 March 2025 {title}

23 Steph & Hope's Anniversary 00:00 23 March 2025 {title}

27 Katie's Birthday 00:00 27 March 2025 {title}

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child’s kindness, and gave her the dollar. “There you are, my dear,” said the mother. “But, tell me, isn’t the lady able to work anymore?”

“Oh yes,” came the reply. “She sells candy.”