Category: Amusements

Sorry, this one is a bit long so it’s the only one you’re getting this week. The warnings I’ve given in the past to alert my mother to some potentially “colourful” language apply.

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’

‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’

‘No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen’ ‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’

‘Why, eat it, of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’

‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

‘What are you doing Sister?’

‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner’

‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’

‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.’

‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.’

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’

‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest.

‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, ‘You mother fuckers are my kind of people!’

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Continue reading “1 September 2024 – Amusements”

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.”

Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd that he really was.”

Continue reading “25 August 2024 – Amusements”

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.

“What should I do?” asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.”

Continue reading “18 August 2024 – Amusements”

A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered. “Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.

“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”

Continue reading “11 August 2024 – Amusements”

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.

“Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.

“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”

“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”

“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”

Continue reading “4 August 2024 – Amusements”

An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.

“Now,” he said to them, “which one of you wants to go first?”

Continue reading “28 July 2024 – Amusements”

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it’s butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting lcense.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it’s butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee licence?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. “This duck’s from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, “Just where the hell are you from?”

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert!”

Continue reading “21 July 2024 – Amusements”

I was dining in our Georgia town, when a tourist stopped by my table. “Excuse me,” he said. “My wife loves your sandals. Did you buy them somewhere locally?”

”Yes, just down the street,” I said.

“May I ask how much they cost?”

“They were $77.”

“Thank you.” He then hollered to his wife, “Honey, she got them in Florida!”

Continue reading “7 July 2024 – Amusements”

Two guys talking in a bar: “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.”

“What is she doing ’til 5 a.m.?” the pal asked.

“Waiting for me to get home.”

Continue reading “30 June 2024 – Amusements”