26 June 2022 – Amusements

One day, an employee received an unusually large pay check. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was short the overpayment she received the previous week. So, she confronted her boss about it.

“How come,” her boss inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but two in a row is getting unacceptable!”

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19 June 2022 – Amusements

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later that day his mother noticed him lying down, curled up on the floor as though he were ill. She said, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife!”

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12 June 2022 – Amusements

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.

About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.

Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”

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5 June 2022 – Amusements

Arriving at his residence the professor told his housekeeper, “Sarah, I’ve invited three of my students to dinner tonight at 6:30, but I think I’ll give them a half-hour’s grace.”

“Professor, I’m as religious as the next person.” Sarah said shaking her head, “But even I think you’re over-doing it.”

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29 May 2022 – Amusements

A dottering, old professor of logic asked his College class a question.

“If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angeles is 2000 miles from Chicago, and the Moon is 239,000 miles from Earth, how old am I?”

A student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, “Professor, you’re 70.”

The old professor said, “You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”

The student said, “It’s easy, I have a brother who’s 35, and he’s only half nuts.”

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22 May 2022 – Amusements

A man just returned from traveling around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell. Here is one of them.

It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied “Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go.”

He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, “Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go.”

He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked, “Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?”

The man gave him a funny look and said “It’s on a pole. It’s got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom…”

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8 May 2022 – Amusements

These are all out of my father’s archive. . .

DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God: 

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God:

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride. I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God:

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God:

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God:

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God:

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:

Can you undo what that doctor did?

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1 May 2022 – Amusements

We’ve had these before . . .

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free… you either married it or gave birth to it.

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24 April 2022 – Amusements

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.”

I asked him, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

“No, nothing like that,” he said. “I got out of prison.”

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10 April 2022 – Amusements

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, “We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat.”

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, “Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?”

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