A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”
The man goes, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”
The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?” Continue reading
Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, “Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?”
The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars.”
“I’m sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?”
“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear.”
“Well, you can’t be disappointed with that!”
“Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars.”
“Incredible… so how come you look so glum?”
“Well, this week…nothing!” Continue reading
A Tennessee hill-billy farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
“Heya, Wilbur,” said Sam, the store owner. “tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?”
“You betcha, Sam. Ain’t no ‘tother way. Why?”
“Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It’s called a ‘match’.”
“‘Match’? Never heard of it.”
“Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,” Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants.
“Huh. Well, that’s something, but that ain’t for me, Sam.”
“Well, why not?”
“I can’t be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire just to borrow your pants.” Continue reading
My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won’t understand what we’re saying. I didn’t realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.
An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, “Boy is she r-u-d-e!”
“Yeah,” he replied, “but I’ll bet she can s-p-e-l-l.” Continue reading
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, “I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis.
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with a nice bottle of wine. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again.”
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, “What’s his wife’s name?”
Her husband said, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s Veranda.” Continue reading
The police officer approaches the driver, “When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.”
The lady driver looks at the officer and replies, “You’re wrong, officer, it’s only my hat that makes me look that old.” Continue reading
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
“I had just the worst day,” replied the man. “This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.
“On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beer?!’
“The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'” Continue reading
Last week we brought you the ten “funniest” jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe as determined by the Guardian. This week, the top 15 funniest jokes at the fringe as determined by a public vote. Judge for yourselves.
- “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng
- “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle
- “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle
- “I’m looking for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.” Lew Fitz
- “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.” Andy Field
- “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant.” Mark Simmons
- “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it …” Jimeoin
- “I have two boys, five and six. We’re no good at naming things in our house.” Ed Byrne
- “I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.” Olaf Falafel
- “Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’, I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’” Alasdair Beckett-King
- “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” Angela Barnes
- “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting, but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.” Adele Cliff
- “For me, dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it.” Phil Wang
- “I wonder how many chameleons snuck on to the Ark.” Adam Hess
- “I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.” Tim Vine
Rather than trawling the internet for the usual collection of feeble amusements, this week we bring you the 10 Best Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe as determined by the Guardian:
Robert Garnham: Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.
Dan Antopolski: Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse.
Paul Savage: Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.
Caroline Mabey: I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.
Athena Kugblenu: Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.
Evelyn Mok: My vagina is kind of like Wales. People only visit ironically.
Phil Wang: In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.
Gráinne Maguire: The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in.
John-Luke Roberts: How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives.
Olaf Falafel: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest–I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.” Continue reading