Greg's Occasional News & Views
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20’s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”
“Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?” I asked.
“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.”
A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I am not an American.” says Kristen.
“Then,” asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.
The teacher is now somewhat angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits…. I can splash it on my eyes!”
Continue reading “22 February 2026 – Amusements”A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate their pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5.00 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud so the farmer hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued morning after morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning the farmer was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” shouted his wife, “They’re in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn!”
Continue reading “15 February 2016 – Amusements”We’ve had this before in a slightly different context:
An old drunk guy walks up to the bar, slaps a $50 down and tells the bartender, “‘Il I bet you 50 bucks that I can bite my eye!”
The bartender is intrigued and takes the bet. The guy pulls out his false eye, bites it, and sticks it back in the socket.
The bartender is annoyed but pays up and figures the $50 was worth the show.
A few minutes later the drunk walks up to the bar slaps 100 bucks down and says, “Double or nothing. I’ll bet a hundred bucks I can bite my other eye.” The bartender figures the dude is drunk and takes the bet.
The guy removes his false teeth, bites the other eye and sticks the teeth back in.
Now the bartender is really angry but pays up. The old drunk looks the bartender in the eye and bets him 200 bucks that the bartender can slide a pint glass down the bar and he could run beside it and piss in the glass and not get a drop on the bar.
The bartender figures what the hell and takes the bet. He slides the glass down the counter but the drunk gets hardly any of his pee in the glass, most of it ends up on the bar.
The bartender is super pumped to get his money back and snatches up the $200 with a smile.
He then hears another guy at a table cursing up a storm. The drunk walks up to the bartender and explains, “I bet him $500 that I could piss all over the counter and you’d be happy about it!!”
Continue reading “8 February 2026 – Amusements”A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
Continue reading “1 February 2026 – Amusements”Two elderly residents of a Florida mobile home park, a widower and a widow, had been friendly acquaintances. One evening, during a community supper at the activity center, they ended up sitting across from each other. As the evening wore on, laughter and conversation flowed.
Encouraged by the moment, the widower summoned his courage and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The widow paused, her face thoughtful and then she smiled warmly. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, I will.”
They parted that night with hearts full of joy and spirits lifted, each looking forward to a new chapter in their lives.
But the next morning, the widower began to worry. Try as he might, he couldn’t remember her answer. Had she said yes? Or no? Nervous, he picked up the phone and called her.
“I’m so sorry,” he began. “My memory isn’t what it used to be. Last night, when I asked if you’d marry me . . . did you say ‘yes’ or ‘no’?”
The widow chuckled softly. “I said yes,” she replied, her voice filled with affection. “And I meant it with all my heart.”
Then, with a playful lilt in her tone, she added, “And I’m so glad you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”
Continue reading “25 January 2026 – Amusements”We’ve had a variation of this first one before . . .
A man wearing a MAGA baseball cap was seated next to a woman on an airplane. He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go more quickly if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about those children whose parents get them vaccinated becoming autistic.”
“Okay,” she said. “This could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The man, visibly surprised by the woman’s question, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the woman replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss science and medicine, when you don’t know shit?”
Continue reading “18 January 2026 – Amusements”Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill. I read, “No. 1, urinalysis.”
She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”
How to get to Heaven from Scotland
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, the answer was ‘No!’
By now I was starting to smile. “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, they all answered ‘No!’
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”
A six year old boy shouted, “Ye got tae be fookin’ dead”
Continue reading “4 January 2026 – Amusements”