In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.”
My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?” Continue reading
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.
She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, “What for?” She told him it was time to get ready for school.
“What?” he asked. “Again?” Continue reading
There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can’t imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex. Continue reading
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snapped back, saying, “It’s Wales, you idiot!”
I immediately apologised. “I’m sorry,” I said, “are you two whales from Ireland?” Continue reading
“Jim, why don’t you play golf with Steve anymore?” asked a friend.
“Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Jim asked.
“Well, no, I suppose not,” admitted the friend.
“Neither will Steve,” replied Jim. Continue reading
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.” Continue reading
A weathered farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Silver wedding anniversary. ‘Let’s kill a pig and have a big BBQ party, Homer,’ she suggested.’
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. ‘Gee, Ethel,’ he finally answered, ‘I don’t see why the pig should suffer for something that happened 25 years ago.'” Continue reading
Two resident doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. A senior consultant had to pull them apart. “What’s all this about?” asked the consultant angrily.
“It’s the tax auditor in C ward,” said one. “He’s only got 2 days to live.”
“He had to be told.” said the second doctor.
“I know,” said the first, “but I wanted to be the one to tell him!” Continue reading
I’ve often said this about our boys.
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.
One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?” Continue reading
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza. Continue reading