5 July 2020 – Amusements

The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline. I’m sorry, but you’ve dialled the wrong number.”

The caller would often reply with something like, “But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialled the wrong…. Oh!” (Click.) Continue reading “5 July 2020 – Amusements”

28 June 2020 – Amusements

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, ma’am” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favourite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half-sisters.” Continue reading “28 June 2020 – Amusements”

7 June 2020 – Amusements

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old piped up, “Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!” Continue reading “7 June 2020 – Amusements”

31 May 2020 – Amusements

Today is payday. I just did a little budget to see how much spending cash I’m going to have left over after I pay my bills.

And since I can’t go out to eat, I can’t go shopping for anything except groceries, I can’t get a haircut, I can’t go see a movie, I can’t go to a casino and I can’t travel anywhere, it looks like my beer budget just went up by 1200 percent. Continue reading “31 May 2020 – Amusements”

24 May 2020 – Amusements

For my brother Steph who reminded me of one of my favourite jokes last week:

A gorilla is walking through the jungle one day and comes across a lion bent over a small stream taking a drink. The gorilla thinks for a moment how he can get one over on the “king of the jungle.” He carefully sneaks up to the lion, leaps on his back and has his way with him.

When he is finished the gorilla takes off running with a very angry lion hot on his hills. As they run through the jungle the gorilla gets a bit of a lead and suddenly comes across a British safari camp.

Thinking quickly the gorilla grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He quickly sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “Do you mean the one that fucked a lion up the ass?”

The lion exclaims, “Oh my God! It’s in the paper already?” Continue reading “24 May 2020 – Amusements”

17 May 2020 – Amusements

I know we’ve had it before but this is the kind of conversation Penny & I have all the time . . .

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table this morning when I got in one of those maudlin moods.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?” Continue reading “17 May 2020 – Amusements”

3 May 2020 – Amusements

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that’s a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, “Who is making these allegations?”

My boss stood up and proclaimed, “I am the alligator, your honor.” Continue reading “3 May 2020 – Amusements”