Greg's Occasional News & Views
A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.
All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under “Previous Employment”, she had listed “Baby-sitting”.
But then she read, under “Reason for Leaving” her daughter had answered, “Parents came home.”
Continue reading “23 January 2022 – Amusements”A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.
Continue reading “16 January 2022 – Amusements”“I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me, “What do you do at a red light?”
I said, “I don’t know, look around, listen to the radio.”
Continue reading “9 January 2022 – Amusements”During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.
“Corporal,” he said, “a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation.”
“You know, Lieutenant, funny thing,” the corporal replied. “In this work we never get any complaints.”
Continue reading “2 January 2022 – Amusements”A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their old home. That December, when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard.
One boy said, “We’re Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass.”
“Were Jewish,” said another child. “And we’re going to have a Hanukkah celebration.
“Madison chimed in, “We’re Texans, and we’re going to have a barbecue.”
Continue reading “26 December 2021 – Amusements”Jennifer was a pretty 18-year-old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland’.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre’.
‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 metres’.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’
Continue reading “19 December 2021 – Amusements”My wife has these days when she wants us to “talk about things.”
On one of these occasions, we were discussing our future so I asked her, “What would you do if I die before you do?”
After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with two or three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she asked me, “What will you do if I die first?”
I replied, “Probably the same thing.”
Continue reading “12 December 2021 – Amusements”MAN: answering a cell phone… “Hello”
WOMAN: on the phone…”Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$80,000”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
Continue reading “5 December 2021 – Amusements”The Godfather hires a deaf bookkeeper, knowing he’d hear nothing and could never testify. He discovers that the bookkeeper has embezzled $10 million.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer signs, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Continue reading “28 November 2021 – Amusements”There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”
To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”
Continue reading “21 November 2021 – Amusements”