7 July 2024 – Amusements

I was dining in our Georgia town, when a tourist stopped by my table. “Excuse me,” he said. “My wife loves your sandals. Did you buy them somewhere locally?”

”Yes, just down the street,” I said.

“May I ask how much they cost?”

“They were $77.”

“Thank you.” He then hollered to his wife, “Honey, she got them in Florida!”

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23 June 2024 – Amusements

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air or beneath the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It’s red. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellas in the back, all drinking warm beer. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

“Wow, man! How do you know all that?” asked one American.

The Aborigine replied, “I fell out of the thing about half an hour ago.”

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16 June 2024 – Amusements

A woman is in her ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, her pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by her husband.

One day she told him, “I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!”

He replied, “I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who’s pregnant!”

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9 June 2024 – Amusements

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.

Billy-Bob asked Bubba, “If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an’ slept with your wife, an’ she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?”

Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, “I don’t think so…. but it sho would make us even.”

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26 May 2024 – Amusements

A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalogue. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell “tequila.”

“T-e-q-u-i-l-a,” spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.

“I just can’t find it,” she said.

“What book are you looking for, honey?” the librarian asked.

Replied the little girl, “Tequila Mockingbird.”

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19 May 2024 – Amusements

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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28 April 2024 – Amusements

An old country boy with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a Game Warden.

The Game Warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing licence, please?”

“No, sir. Don’t need one. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?” the Game Warden barked.

“Yep, once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ‘em swim ‘round for a while. Then, when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ‘em home.”

“HOGWASH! You’re under arrest.”

He said, “It’s the truth. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”

“We do, now, do we?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”

He released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”

“Well, what?

The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!” replied the warden.

“What fish?”

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21 April 2024 – Amusements

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Sometime later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

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