Greg's Occasional News & Views
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, I have?” says the old man. “I’m sorry. How much do I owe you?”
Continue reading “3 December 2023 – Amusements”As it was our anniversary yesterday, I thought this was quite appropriate (and accurate).
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the wife replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
Mrs. Pauly was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the porch with her husband, and she says, “I love you so much; you’ve stood by me in good times and bad; I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Pauly asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She replies, “It’s me… talking to the wine.”
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
“I’ll bet he’s an accountant.” said the first builder.
“Looks more like a stockbroker to me,” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
“Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?” the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, “I’m a logical scientist.”
“A what?” asked the builder.
“Let me explain,” the man continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, “Yes, I do as it happens.”
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?”
“A pond,” the builder replied.
“Well, then it’s logical to assume that you have a large garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, “which means it’s logical to assume you have a large house.”
“I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself,” the builder said proudly.
“Given that you have such a large house, it’s logical to assume that you are married…”
The builder nodded again, “Yes, I’m married and we have three children.”
“Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.”
“Five nights a week!” the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t masturbate often.”
“Never!” the builder exclaimed.
“Well there you have it” the man explained, “That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!”
The builder left, very impressed by the man’s talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, “I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?”
“Yeah,” replied the first, “He’s a logical scientist.”
“A what?” the puzzled second builder asked.
“Let me explain,” the first builder continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
“No” replied his mate.
“Well, you’re a wanker then!”
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had run into one another virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road — if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
Continue reading “19 November 2023 – Amusements”A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing, so what are you going to do?”
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.”
Jar number 43, Mr. Smith wonders? So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells.
“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!”
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…”
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
Continue reading “5 November 2023 – Amusements”After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. “All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall.”
Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained.
He looked at the officer and sincerely said, “Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, Sarge.”
Continue reading “29 October 2023 – Amusements”One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: “I think your horse looks pretty good, so I’ll give you $500 for him.”
“He doesn’t look good, and he’s not for sale,” the farmer said.
The man insisted, “I think he looks good and I’ll up the price to $1000!”
“He doesn’t look so good,” the farmer said, “but if you want him that much, he’s yours.”
The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, “You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!”
The farmer calmly replied, “I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.
Two golfers met at the club. “I heard about your terrible tragedy last week,” said one.
“Yes,” said the other sadly, sipping his drink. “I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole.”
“I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too,” the first man said sympathetically. “That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds.”
“The carrying wasn’t that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out.”
Continue reading “8 October 2023 – Amusements”Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. Mrs. Smith is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. Mister explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is their first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.
Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, “why don’t you just double the recipe?” She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call — this time quite frantic.
“I just can’t do it,” wifely weeps. “It’s impossible.”
“Now, now, what’s the matter?”
“Well, their recipe calls for two eggs…”
“So, you use FOUR eggs. Don’t you have them?”
“Yes — then it needs 4 cups of flour.”
“Well,” hubby says rather testily, “you will have to use 8 cups of flour — what is the problem?”
“It isn’t the ingredients,” wife sobs, “it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can’t turn the heat up to 700 degrees!”
This came originaly from my sister Sarah:
The value of a Catholic education and a #2B pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’
When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
‘God Almighty’! shouted Susie.
The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Saviour?’
But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child’?
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’
The nun fainted.
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.
The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn’t survive.
The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.
The pilot says to the punk “There’s only one parachute left, I’ll fight you for it.”
“That won’t be necessary,” said the punk, “The smartest man in the world took my backpack.”
A Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, “Say, how much land you think you got here?”
Mainer: ‘Bout 10 acres I’d say.”
Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!”
Mainer: “Yep, I got one of them trucks too.”
Continue reading “24 September 2023 – Amusements”