17 March 2024 – Amusements

A sailor came home from a year-long deployment only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

“Was it my friend Sam?” he demanded.

“No!” his weeping wife replied.

“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.

“NO!” she said even more upset.

“Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?” he yelled.

“Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she screamed.

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3 March 2024 – Amusements

A salesman telephoned a household and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

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25 February 2024 – Amusements

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some scumbag using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another scumbag?”

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18 February 2024 – Amusements

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 

‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.

‘I would like it infrequently’ she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, ‘Is that one word or two?’

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11 February 2024 – Amusements

My friend returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of tests. My friend wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”

“Oh my gosh,” cries my friend, “What are you going to do, doctor?”

“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

“Will that cure me?” asks my friend.

The doctor replies, “Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”


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