9 August 2020 – Amusements

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

“I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a ‘B’ for the test.”

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, “Anyone else? This is your last chance.”

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. “I’m glad to see you believe in yourselves,” he said. “You all get ‘A’s.” Continue reading “9 August 2020 – Amusements”

26 July 2020 – Amusements

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He Got into the taxi, and said, “Perfect timing. You’re just Like Andy.”

Cabbie: “Who?”

Passenger: “Andy Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that to Andy Sullivan, every single time.”

Cabbie: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Passenger: “Not Andy Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Cabbie: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Passenger: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andy Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Cabbie: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Passenger: “Yep, and he really knew how to treat a woman. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andy Sullivan.”

Cabbie: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Passenger: “Well, I never actually met Andy. He died. I’m married to his damned widow.” Continue reading “26 July 2020 – Amusements”

5 July 2020 – Amusements

The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline. I’m sorry, but you’ve dialled the wrong number.”

The caller would often reply with something like, “But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialled the wrong…. Oh!” (Click.) Continue reading “5 July 2020 – Amusements”

28 June 2020 – Amusements

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, ma’am” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favourite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half-sisters.” Continue reading “28 June 2020 – Amusements”

7 June 2020 – Amusements

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old piped up, “Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!” Continue reading “7 June 2020 – Amusements”

31 May 2020 – Amusements

Today is payday. I just did a little budget to see how much spending cash I’m going to have left over after I pay my bills.

And since I can’t go out to eat, I can’t go shopping for anything except groceries, I can’t get a haircut, I can’t go see a movie, I can’t go to a casino and I can’t travel anywhere, it looks like my beer budget just went up by 1200 percent. Continue reading “31 May 2020 – Amusements”