I think we’ve probably had these before . . .

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.” Continue reading →

Pretty sure we’ve had this before . . .

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’ Continue reading →

Long-time friends were celebrating their 50th anniversary. One of their sons gave a loving toast, finishing with, “and thank you for having such a beautiful marriage.”

“Thank you for making it necessary,” the father joked.

In the silence that followed, his wife whispered, “Not him. He’s the second son.” Continue reading →

We’ve had this before but I still like it.

“And so, after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”

“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”

“And, when was that?”

“When he asked for the second cup.” Continue reading →

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked.

“What’s the point?” my husband said. “They die after about a week.”

“So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like having you around.” Continue reading →

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, “I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.”

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

Then she said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity.”

The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his arm around her shoulders.

The elderly woman then stated,” I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine.”

This time the old man started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room his wife asked, “Was it something I said? Where are you going?”

The old man looked at her and replied, “I’m going to the bathroom to get my teeth!” Continue reading →

A young man who had recently moved out on his own called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother said, “Why don’t you send her a nice note and invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.” Continue reading →

The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online translator to write his paper.

He categorically denied doing so.

That led to my next question, “Then why is this paper in French?” Continue reading →

They say there’s more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery than actually winning. That’s why I always send my wife.

Win-Win. Continue reading →

After a long day of shopping, my daughter and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my daughter there waiting for me.

“Honey,” I said, “what are you doing in here? I left the motor running.”

“It’s all right, Mom,” she replied reassuringly. “I locked the doors.” Continue reading →