Greg's Occasional News & Views
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so. They have them aimed at themselves.”
Continue reading “22 November 2020 – Amusements”A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”
Continue reading “15 November 2020 – Amusements”I was walking past an alley last night, when I heard, “Help! Help!” coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady’s handbag, but she was putting up a heck of a fight and wouldn’t let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn’t see anything.
I finally decided that I should help.
She was one tough old lady, but the three of us finally got that handbag.
Continue reading “8 November 2020 – Amusements”I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn’t like it…so I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn’t like it… so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Continue reading “1 November 2020 – Amusements”I think the bottom-line difference between being single and married is this: When you’re single you’re as happy as you are. When you’re married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the house.
Continue reading “25 October 2020 – Amusements”Q: My child does not like fish. What can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Continue reading “18 October 2020 – Amusements”A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”
“What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”
“A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.
Continue reading “11 October 2020 – Amusements”Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date. He’ll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
Continue reading “4 October 2020 – Amusements”A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?”
“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician.
“Five hundred dollars? That’s impossible. No one charges that much!”
“In your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.”
“Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.”
“Well, then, could you afford two hundred?”
“Who has that kind of money?”
“Look, replies the doctor,” growing irritated, “Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?”
“I can give you fifty,” says the man. “Take it or leave it.”
“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?”
“Listen, Doctor,” says the patient, “When it comes to my health, nothing is too good!”
Continue reading “27 September 2020 – Amusements”A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible man alive.
No wait…sorry. I am thinking of scotch. It’s scotch that does all that.
Continue reading “20 September 2020 – Amusements”