Greg's Occasional News & Views

Amusements

5 June 2016 – Amusements

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.”

“Oh?” the judge said.

“Yes!” the man replied. “I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So, your Honor, I could not possibly serve on this jury!”

The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for — a good judge of character.”

“But your honor!” the man protested. “How can you say that?!”

“Because,” the judge said, “that man is the defendant’s lawyer.” Continue reading

29 May 2016 – Amusements

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.” Continue reading

24 April 2016 – Amusements

Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. “We have to call it Imagination,” one passionate participant cried out.

Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, “Are you sure you want your business card to read ‘Imagination, Limited’?” Continue reading

17 April 2016 – Amusements

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. Continue reading

10 April 2016 – Amusements

There’s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts “Praise the Lord!”

The atheist yells back, “There is no God.”

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says “Praise the Lord.”

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts “Praise the Lord!”

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, “Ha, I bought those groceries – there is no God.”

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts “Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!” Continue reading

3 April 2016 – Amusements

I know it’s old, but uncannily accurate . . .

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” The Lord told him.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”

Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.”

“Wonderful!” Adam said. “Thank you. What is the second organ?”

“The other organ,” God continued, “is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time….” Continue reading

27 March 2016 – Amusements

As it’s Easter . . .

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon.

During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the little boy said, “I’m not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

Continue reading

20 March 2016 – Amusements

This sounds like me.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said. Continue reading

13 March 2016 – Amusements

Have we had this before?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!” Continue reading

6 March 2016 – Amusements

Have we had this before?

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.” Continue reading

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