- “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” Masai Graham
- “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell
- “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson
- “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith
- “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan
- “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson
- “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney
- “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff
- “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath
- “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes
- “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be president, as long as your husband did it first.” Michelle Wolf
- “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift
- “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith
- “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons
- “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol
Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.
The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.
On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn’t tell the hotel when he finds out.
Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Jones … all is forgiven. Just tell us … where is it?!?!” Continue reading
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, “Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!”
“Oh?” says the mother, amused. “And how old is Janie?”
“Six,” replies the boy.
“Well,” says the father, “what are you going to do for money?”
“I get 5 dollars a week allowance,” says the son, “and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we’ll be okay.”
“I see,” says the father. “But what are you going to do if you have any children?”
“Well,” says the boy, “so far we’ve been lucky.” Continue reading
A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied, “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.” Continue reading
Pauly walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, Pauly, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, eh?”
Pauly says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your first pay check!”
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me on top of all this?” Continue reading
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza. Continue reading
One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalogue and admiring all the beautiful models.
Ole said to Sven, “Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?”
Sven replied, “Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!”
Ole looked wide eyed and said, “Yumpin’ yimminy. Dey ain’t very expensive. At dees prices I’m buyin’ me vun.”
Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, “by golly Ole, if she’s as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too.”
Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, “did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?”
Ole replied, “no, but it von’t be long now, her clothes came yesterday!” Continue reading
This from my friend Julie
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, Steve’s Place, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”
“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our “you-know-what”, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, reducing the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.” Continue reading
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s back porch, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “No.. umm.. no.. I didn’t. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after the kids buried him in the backyard we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!” Continue reading
My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives.
“Nonsense,” I told her. “That is not true. I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine.” Continue reading