Greg's Occasional News & Views

Amusements

2 September 2018 – Amusements

After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench.

“Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.” Continue reading

26 August 2018 – Amusements

As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.

“What is it with guys that they won’t replace the toilet paper?!” I raged.

“I know,” he said, nodding in agreement. “I noticed that when I was in there earlier.” Continue reading

19 August 2018 – Amusements

A British friend of mine once found himself at a dinner party sitting next to an attractive American woman. The conversation turned to cricket, and the woman asked my friend to explain the game.

He agreed and embarked on a lengthy explanation of the mysteries of “silly mid-on,” “fine-leg,” “googly,” “chinaman” and the like.

At the end he sat back, exhausted. The woman looked at him, shaking her head in wonderment, “That really is remarkable. And to think they do it all on horseback.” Continue reading

12 August 2018 – Amusements

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. “Not again…” Continue reading

5 August 2018 – Amusements

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her backyard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.

“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.” Continue reading

29 July 2018 – Amusements

I have changed my system for labelling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My level of frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting. Continue reading

22 July 2018 – Amusements

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up an 8-foot fence. The next morning, however, the kangaroo was out again, idly roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to ten feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming about the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was 20 feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo replied, “Who knows? Maybe 50 feet. Unless somebody starts locking the gate at night.” Continue reading

15 July 2018 – Amusements

The heart specialist was operating on the patient when he suddenly said, “Don’t worry, Adam. This is a minor operation. Everything will be all right.”

The patient replied, “Thank you Doctor, but my name is Jose.”

The heart specialist said, “I know that. Adam is my name.” Continue reading

8 July 2018 – Amusements

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. 

When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

“Gave me a longer cane.” Continue reading

1 July 2018 – Amusements

As the bus pulled away, a woman realised she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found it. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers greeted her.

One of the men handed over her handbag and a box. “We’re required to inventory found wallets and purses,” he explained. “I think you’ll find everything here.

As she started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, “I hope you don’t mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse… and we’d like to see just HOW you do it.” Continue reading

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