Category: Amusements

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

Continue reading “1 February 2026 – Amusements”

Two elderly residents of a Florida mobile home park, a widower and a widow, had been friendly acquaintances. One evening, during a community supper at the activity center, they ended up sitting across from each other. As the evening wore on, laughter and conversation flowed.

Encouraged by the moment, the widower summoned his courage and asked, “Will you marry me?”

The widow paused, her face thoughtful and then she smiled warmly. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, I will.”

They parted that night with hearts full of joy and spirits lifted, each looking forward to a new chapter in their lives.

But the next morning, the widower began to worry. Try as he might, he couldn’t remember her answer. Had she said yes? Or no? Nervous, he picked up the phone and called her.

“I’m so sorry,” he began. “My memory isn’t what it used to be. Last night, when I asked if you’d marry me . . . did you say ‘yes’ or ‘no’?”

The widow chuckled softly. “I said yes,” she replied, her voice filled with affection. “And I meant it with all my heart.”

Then, with a playful lilt in her tone, she added, “And I’m so glad you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”

Continue reading “25 January 2026 – Amusements”

We’ve had a variation of this first one before . . .

A man wearing a MAGA baseball cap was seated next to a woman on an airplane. He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go more quickly if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about those children whose parents get them vaccinated becoming autistic.”

“Okay,” she said. “This could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The man, visibly surprised by the woman’s question, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the woman replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss science and medicine, when you don’t know shit?”

Continue reading “18 January 2026 – Amusements”

Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.   

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill. I read, “No. 1, urinalysis.”   

She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”

Continue reading “11 January 2026 – Amusements”

How to get to Heaven from Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was ‘No!’

By now I was starting to smile. “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered ‘No!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A six year old boy shouted, “Ye got tae be fookin’ dead”

Continue reading “4 January 2026 – Amusements”

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around. She was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She pulled out her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband, in a calm voice, said, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into oh, about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you someday?”

Her anger quickly vanished.

“Yes,” she said, starting to cry a little. “I remember that jewelry store.”

“Well,” he said, “I’m in the bar right next to that store.”

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Continue reading “28 December 2025 – Amusements”

A Christmas Theme to all our Amusements this week. Have a wonderfully happy time.

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

“It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

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Continue reading “21 December 2025 – Amusements”

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor in the church that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.”

The entire congregation was completely silent.

“Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me in front of your brethren and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. The preacher was visibly shaken when he saw her rise.

“You, Miss Johnson?!”

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding,” she began, clearly not wanting to make her confession in front of everyone. “I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told one of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!”

Continue reading “14 December 2025 – Amusements”

On her first day at the retirement home the new manager addressed all the seniors highlighting her most important rule: “The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males and, likewise, the male dormitory will be out-of-bounds to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

She continued. “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60 and, if you’re caught a third time it will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, an older lady named Kathy stood up in the crowd and inquired “How much is it for a season ticket?”

Continue reading “7 December 2025 – Amusements”

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…! love you!’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: ‘Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.

Then I had to share my story: ‘When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

Continue reading “30 November 2025 – Amusements”