18 June 2017 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie:

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter’s day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.

The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter?” asked the Trooper

“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the muffled, terse reply.

“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”

“I can’t,” mumbled the biker.

“OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: “On behalf of my daughter Jill…” Continue reading “18 June 2017 – Amusements”

11 June 2017 – Amusements

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

“Can I talk to a real person?” a caller asked.

“I am real,” I said.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the caller said. “That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?” Continue reading “11 June 2017 – Amusements”

4 June 2017 – Amusements

A little boy was waiting for his mother. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a laugh; “You’re kidding me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.” Continue reading “4 June 2017 – Amusements”

28 May 2017 – Amusements

I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, ‘Thanks for putting up with me so long.’

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

“Just where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.” Continue reading “28 May 2017 – Amusements”

30 April 2017 – Amusements

My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm.

Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them. I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.

“It’s the smoke detector,” they replied in unison.

“Do you know what that sound means?” I demanded.

“Sure,” my oldest replied. “Dinner’s ready.” Continue reading “30 April 2017 – Amusements”

23 April 2017 – Amusements

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!” Continue reading “23 April 2017 – Amusements”

16 April 2017 – Amusements

Even though we’ve had this one before, it seems particularly appropriate in these wacky political times in which we find ourselves:

Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes.

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”

The third, a California surgeon, says: “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth, a New York surgeon, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.” Continue reading “16 April 2017 – Amusements”

9 April 2017 – Amusements

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?” Continue reading “9 April 2017 – Amusements”

26 March 2017 – Amusements

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”

After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.” Continue reading “26 March 2017 – Amusements”