5 February 2017 – Amusements

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. “Honey,” my Dad finally said one day, “why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.'”

“It is,” she said. “I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten.” Continue reading “5 February 2017 – Amusements”

29 January 2017 – Amusements

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to go out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.” Continue reading “29 January 2017 – Amusements”

15 January 2017 – Amusements

One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend.

“I’m seriously considering it, but I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.” Continue reading “15 January 2017 – Amusements”

8 January 2017 – Amusements

I have been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.” Continue reading “8 January 2017 – Amusements”

18 December 2016 – Amusements

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.

“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.

A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.

“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to… 14 pounds???”
Continue reading “18 December 2016 – Amusements”

11 December 2016 – Amusements

I know we’ve had this before but I still like it:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.” Continue reading “11 December 2016 – Amusements”

4 December 2016 – Amusements

As it’s topical . . .

Here’s a killer turkey recipe, with a foolproof self-timer. It’s impossible to mess this up. You’ll get a perfectly cooked turkey every time.

Preheat the oven to 325. Prepare the turkey, basting it with salt, garlic, butter, and black pepper. In a bowl, combine equal parts stuffing mix and popcorn. (Yes, popcorn.)

Fill the turkey’s cavity with the mixture. Lay the turkey in a greased roasting pan.

Insert the turkey into the oven, with the neck pointing inward. This is very important.

Do not concern yourself with roasting time. When the turkey’s rear end blows the oven door open, it’s done. Continue reading “4 December 2016 – Amusements”