Greg's Occasional News & Views

Amusements

24 June 2018 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie although I think we’ve probably had it before.

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with John, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. Continue reading

17 June 2018 – Amusements

An important and very well publicised murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O’Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, “Property holder?”

Dan replied, “Yes, I am, Your Honor.”

Then he was asked, “Married or single?”

Dan responded, “Married for twenty years, Your Honor.”

Then the judge asked, “Formed or expressed an opinion?”

Dan stated with certainty, “Not in twenty years, Your Honor.” Continue reading

10 June 2018 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie:

While riding my Harley the other day, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while slowly unbuttoning her blouse. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my bike I guess.” Continue reading

3 June 2018 – Amusements

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, “Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?”

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbour holding onto a restless and agitated pig. “What are you planning to do with that?” he asks.

“I’m carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub.”

“Why do you wanna’ do a thing like that?”

“Well, you see, it’s my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again…she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the Middle East again … she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I’ll wait for her to come running to me screaming ‘THERE’S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE’S A PIG IN BATH!'”

And I’ll just turn to her and say, “Yeah, I know!” Continue reading

27 May 2018 – Amusements

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student’s test-taking habit.

“Mr. Walters,” the professor began. “Is there something interesting written on your palm?”

“Not at all,” Billy replied. “It’s all pretty boring.” Continue reading

20 May 2018 – Amusements

The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.

“And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”

“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”

“And, when was that?”

“When he asked for the second cup.” Continue reading

22 April 2018 – Amusements

A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister’s three-month-old baby.

Two women approached the mother. “Are they twins?” one asked.

“No, they’re three months apart.”

“My! You sure had them close together.” Continue reading

15 April 2018 – Amusements

“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”

“No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.”

“Did I dial the wrong number?

“No sir, Google bought the pizza store.”

“Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please.”

“Okay sir, do you want the usual?”

“The usual? You know what my usual is?”

“According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.”

“Okay, that’s what I want this time too.”

“May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?”

“No, I hate vegetables.”

“But your cholesterol is not good.”

“How do you know?”

“Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“You know what, I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!”

“I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport… it expired 5 weeks ago.” Continue reading

8 April 2018 – Amusements

A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.

Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totalling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.

He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn’t run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.

“How did you do?” asked the bride.

The groom shrugged and said, “I lost two dollars.” Continue reading

1 April 2018 – Amusements

A lady moved from Phoenix to Seattle and when she arrived it was raining. While she moved in, it rained. The next day it rained, and the next, and then the next.

After several rainy days, while standing on her porch, she noticed a young boy on the porch of her neighbor’s house. Trying not to sound too depressed, in a cheerful voice she called over to the lad, “Hi son, I’m your new neighbor.”

“Hi,” the boy called back and waved.

“Say, son, does it ever stop raining here?” she asked.

With a look of consternation, the youngster replied, “Lady, how would I know? I’m only six years old!” Continue reading

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