Greg's Occasional News & Views

Amusements

11 March 2018 – Amusements

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah…..” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think”, the man laughed. “I’m the father of THREE children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!” Continue reading

4 March 2018 – Amusements

In a small business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, “My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N.” Continue reading

25 February 2018 – Amusements

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. “Please let me in,” says the man, “I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.”

“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what’s left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers that there’s only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

“That one’s too skinny. What else have you got”? says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

“Oh no,” says the man, “that one doesn’t look any better. You better give me both of them.” Continue reading

18 February 2018 – Amusements

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.

Suspecting the worse, she reaches for an extra pillow and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can, letting her anger and frustration out. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?” Continue reading

11 February 2018 – Amusements

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison! Stop that!”

“But, Daddy,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.” Continue reading

4 February 2018 – Amusements

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realise that you had set it free…. you either married it or gave birth to it. Continue reading

28 January 2018 – Amusements

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”

“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack.

“That must be expensive,” Bob replied.

“He charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.

“$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.

“I don’t know. That’s his problem.” Continue reading

21 January 2018 – Amusements

While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbour, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, “No, I also work… but out of our home.”

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

“He was born at home,” I answered.

The man looked at me and said, “You don’t get out much, do you?” Continue reading

14 January 2018 – Amusements

Sister Grace at the convent opened a letter from home and found a $100 bill from her parents. She smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Grace” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, and tossed it out the window. The stranger picked it up and read the note. He tipped his hat to Sister Grace and hurried away.

The next day, Sister Grace was told that a man was asking to see her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s your $8,000, sister,” he replied. “‘Don’t Despair’ paid 80-to-1.” Continue reading

7 January 2018 – Amusements

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Probably the same thing.” Continue reading

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