Rather than trawling the internet for the usual collection of feeble amusements, this week we bring you the 10 Best Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe as determined by the Guardian:
Robert Garnham: Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.
Dan Antopolski: Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse.
Paul Savage: Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.
Caroline Mabey: I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.
Athena Kugblenu: Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.
Evelyn Mok: My vagina is kind of like Wales. People only visit ironically.
Phil Wang: In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.
Gráinne Maguire: The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in.
John-Luke Roberts: How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives.
Olaf Falafel: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest–I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.” Continue reading
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours.
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith. Continue reading
A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun.
The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their testicles which paralyzes the animal with pain so I can lock him in the truck.”
The man says, “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?”
The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.” Continue reading
A young boy was looking through some old family photos and asked his mother, “Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.”
“Then who’s that man who lives with us now?” Continue reading
Hunter was 5-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He was playing outside with the other kids when he came into the house and asked, “Grandpa, what’s it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”
His Grandpa was a little uncomfortable with the question, but he decided honesty was the best policy. “Well, Hunter, that’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh,” Little Hunter said, “OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said, “Grandpa, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.” Continue reading
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.” Continue reading
I think we’ve had this before?
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.
So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No, sir, you’ll have to do that yourself.” Continue reading
A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?”
I answered, “I wish I was rich!”
“OK.” said the Genie. “What’s your second wish, Rich?” Continue reading
This from my friend Julie:
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter’s day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.
The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
“What’s the matter?” asked the Trooper
“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the muffled, terse reply.
“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”
“I can’t,” mumbled the biker.
“OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: “On behalf of my daughter Jill…” Continue reading