Greg's Occasional News & Views

Amusements

5 January 2020 – Amusements

A woman was in court charged with the attempted murder of her husband.

“But why did you stab him over a hundred times?” asked the judge.

“Oh, your Honor,” replied the defendant, “It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know how to switch off the electric carving knife!” Continue reading

22 December 2019 – Amusements

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was “just up ahead.”

One year I snapped. “Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn’t exist. It’s like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn’t dead, doesn’t have too many bald spots and is straight.” Continue reading

15 December 2019 – Amusements

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I’m not that kind!”

“Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he protested.

“Really?” she said, softening. “Well, how many models have there been?”

“Four so far,” he replied, thinking back. “A jug, two apples and a vase.” Continue reading

8 December 2019 – Amusements

Baby’s First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied…

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, But I’m glad I came.” Continue reading

1 December 2019 – Amusements

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”

He said he did and thanked me.

The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent in Chinese?” Continue reading

24 November 2019 – Amusements

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, don’t you like your beer cold? Why don’t you start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Austria and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other when they moved away that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I hope nothing has happened to one of your brothers.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.” Continue reading

17 November 2019 – Amusements

A Sunday School teacher wanted to use squirrels as an example of a diligent work ethic and being prepared. She started the lesson by saying, “I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.” The children were excited to show her what they knew and leaned forward eagerly.

“I’m thinking of something that lives in trees and eats nuts.” No hands went up. “It can be gray or brown and it has a long bushy tail.” The children looked around the room at each other, but still no one raised a hand.

“It chatters and sometimes it flips its tail when it’s excited?”

Finally one little boy shyly raised his hand. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Okay, Michael. What do you think it is?”

“Well,” said the boy, “I know the answer’s supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.” Continue reading

10 November 2019 – Amusements

The boss joined a group of his workers in the company break room and told a joke he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Dewey.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Dewey, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Dewey? No sense of humour?”

“My sense of humour is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.” Continue reading

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