The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

Greg's Occasional News & Views

15 July 2018 – Amusements

The heart specialist was operating on the patient when he suddenly said, “Don’t worry, Adam. This is a minor operation. Everything will be all right.”

The patient replied, “Thank you Doctor, but my name is Jose.”

The heart specialist said, “I know that. Adam is my name.” Continue reading

8 July 2018

Goodness! Another great week. The weather continues to be sensational, hot and sunny with temperatures into the low 30s (i.e., the mid 80s). We’ve not had any rain for about six weeks so, as you might imagine, the garden is desperate for a drink. Thankfully, no hosepipe ban in our neighbourhood yet but the first of the season has been introduced in Northern Ireland. Since we had such a lousy Spring here with lots of rain and low temperatures, the reservoirs are full, so they say. At the same time, since the privatised water companies are estimated to lose up to 30% of their product through leaking pipes it probably won’t be long. After all, it’s much more important to maintain their shareholder’s dividends than to actually fix the infrastructure. Aren’t privatised monopolies a great idea! Continue reading

8 July 2018 – Amusements

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. 

When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

“Gave me a longer cane.” Continue reading

1 July 2018

Wow! What another great week just whizzed by. We’ve had great weather, went up to town again (twice), enjoyed a primary school sports day under a blazingly hot bright blue sky and tromped up and down Edgehill with Penelope’s walking group. What’s not to like? Continue reading

1 July 2018 – Amusements

As the bus pulled away, a woman realised she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found it. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers greeted her.

One of the men handed over her handbag and a box. “We’re required to inventory found wallets and purses,” he explained. “I think you’ll find everything here.

As she started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, “I hope you don’t mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse… and we’d like to see just HOW you do it.” Continue reading

24 June 2018

Oh my goodness! Another great week with lots of fun, lots of work and lots of pretty decent sunny weather. We had Bubble for an overnighter, we enjoyed a wandering supper as well as a date night overflowing with culture while, in between, toiling in Penelope’s woodland garden. And we enjoyed a gloriously sunny version of the longest day! Continue reading

24 June 2018 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie although I think we’ve probably had it before.

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with John, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. Continue reading

17 June 2018

Oh! What a busy, busy week. We’ve been out and about in-between bouts of toiling and boiling on Ms Playchute’s latest garden project. There was a celebratory meal with the winner of an important competition, another visit to Thenford Gardens, a jaunt up to London for an exhibition and a great meal at a “pop-up” restaurant nearby. Whew! Continue reading

17 June 2018 – Amusements

An important and very well publicised murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O’Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, “Property holder?”

Dan replied, “Yes, I am, Your Honor.”

Then he was asked, “Married or single?”

Dan responded, “Married for twenty years, Your Honor.”

Then the judge asked, “Formed or expressed an opinion?”

Dan stated with certainty, “Not in twenty years, Your Honor.” Continue reading

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