19 September 2021 – Amusements

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

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12 September 2021 – Amusements

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer eyes out!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

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5 September 2021 – Amusements

My wife and I had just finished a meal at one of our local restaurants when I realized I’d left my wallet at home. As the wife headed to the door to retrieve her purse from the car, she told the waitress what had happened, adding, “But don’t worry, I’m leaving my husband as collateral.”

The waitress took one look at me and asked her, “What else you got?”

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15 August 2021 – Amusements

RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary

“On the way.” – Still in bed.

“In the car.” – In the shower.

“GPS says 35 min.” – Getting ready.

“There’s traffic.” – Leaving the house.

“Parking now.” – 15 minutes out.

“Can’t find a spot.” – 5 minutes out.

“Walking in.” – Looking for a spot.

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8 August 2021 – Amusements

A Greek tourist visits the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling out his visa application. The immigration officer looks over the man’s shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write ‘Twice a week’ into the small space labelled “SEX”.

The officer explains “No, no, no, that isn’t what we mean by this question. We are asking Male or Female.”

The tourist answers, “Does it matter?”

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