Greg's Occasional News & Views
We’re back! After a fabulously refreshing four days in Dorset. The weather was simply gorgeous, the cottage in which we were staying was outstanding and in a most extraordinarily idyllic setting just at the foot of Golden Cap and Dorset was gorgeous in the sunshine.
Q: My child does not like fish. What can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Continue reading “18 October 2020 – Amusements”It’s been a week of mixed (weather) fortunes – lots of rain and high winds with the occasional glimpse of some sunshine. The weather folk tend to describe it as “scattered clouds.” I think it might more accurately be described as scattered sunshine, but what do I know?
Continue reading “11 October 2020”A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”
“What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”
“A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.
Continue reading “11 October 2020 – Amusements”The Arctic plume came and went and Ms Playchute chastised me for painting too gloomy a picture of our weather conditions last week. To be fair, I probably did exaggerate to some extent but summer is past and the Indian summer, if that was it, was far too short. As I look out my window the rain is pelting down, the wind is howling, the pub sign is being blown back and forth like an accordion and it is cold and miserable.
Continue reading “4 October 2020”Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date. He’ll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
Continue reading “4 October 2020 – Amusements”Well, that was nice while it lasted. The Indian Summer, I mean. I had been hoping for a prolonged affair – perhaps two or three months but I guess that’s just being greedy. But something longer than two or three days would have been nice. As it is we’ve had an Arctic Plume over the UK for the latter part of this week and, while it’s not exactly freezing, it is certainly feeling very autumnal. Would it be too much to ask for another couple of weeks in October?
Continue reading “27 September 2020”A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?”
“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician.
“Five hundred dollars? That’s impossible. No one charges that much!”
“In your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.”
“Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.”
“Well, then, could you afford two hundred?”
“Who has that kind of money?”
“Look, replies the doctor,” growing irritated, “Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?”
“I can give you fifty,” says the man. “Take it or leave it.”
“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?”
“Listen, Doctor,” says the patient, “When it comes to my health, nothing is too good!”
Continue reading “27 September 2020 – Amusements”A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible man alive.
No wait…sorry. I am thinking of scotch. It’s scotch that does all that.
Continue reading “20 September 2020 – Amusements”It’s been a good week – the weather has been very kind. The sun has shone and the temperature has been very acceptable. This may or may not be the Indian Summer I was hoping for – we’ll have to wait and see.
