14 March 2021 – Amusements

A man walks into a bar and bets the bartender a beer that his dog can talk.

The bartender agrees so the guy turns and asks his dog, “What’s on top of a house?” Naturally, the dog says, “Roof.”

The bartender throws them both in the gutter.

The dog turns to the guys and says, “See, I told you that wouldn’t work!”

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7 March 2021 – Amusements

It’s old and we’ve had it before but . . .

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, “Panty stitcher… I sew the elastic onto women’s panties.”

The clerk looked up panty stitcher in her table. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter,” he replied.

Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, “Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor.”

“What skill?!” yelled the panty stitcher. “I sew the elastic, and he pulls on it and says, “Yep, dese’ll fit ‘er.”

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28 February 2021

Oh, we’ve had some great weather this weekend. It’s been frosty at night but we’ve had lovely clear blue skies and sunshine during the day. One could almost be forgiven for thinking that Spring was close at hand. Certainly, the green shoots on Penelope’s clematis and the frolicking activities of our local bird population would suggest so. But, then again, our wood pigeons seem to think it’s Spring all year round so who knows?

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28 February 2021 – Amusements

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

He took along his girl’s younger sister for advice, and together they went to the department store and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

“I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

“When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

“I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night!”

All my love.

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21 February 2021 – Amusements

It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test.

The question was “If H2O if water, what is H2O4?”

This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.

Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, cleaning…

A newspaper editor received this note from a reader:

“My wife was about to file for a divorce when she read the article in your paper about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce. Effective today, cancel my subscription to your paper.”

I ran across this on Facebook. Rather than attempting to transcribe it I thought it was better to have the original video – so much better.

14 February 2021

Another quiet week – it’s almost as if we were in a perpetual lockdown or something. It’s also been bitterly, bitterly cold. Not as cold as the conditions my siblings in the great northeast are obliged to endure but colder than we like it to be. And, we also had snow in the week – again, more snow than we like to be bothered with and no way of sending it on to those of you who like such things. Thankfully, the weather is supposed to improve a bit in the coming week. Yes, please.

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14 February 2021 – Amusements

In honour of Valentine’s Day, a selection of amusements loosely connected with love . . .

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!”

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