29 October 2023 – Amusements

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. “All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall.”

Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained.

He looked at the officer and sincerely said, “Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, Sarge.”

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22 October 2023 – Amusements

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: “I think your horse looks pretty good, so I’ll give you $500 for him.”

“He doesn’t look good, and he’s not for sale,” the farmer said.

The man insisted, “I think he looks good and I’ll up the price to $1000!”

“He doesn’t look so good,” the farmer said, “but if you want him that much, he’s yours.”

The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, “You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!”

The farmer calmly replied, “I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”

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15 October 2023

It’s been, surprisingly, a moderately busy week which again, for the most part, has been “unseasonably warm” to quote the weather people. Our lovely friend Mary came for lunch on Sunday – we haven’t seen her since April, it turns out, so it was great to catch up. The weather co-operated and it was so warm and sunny that we were able to eat out on the patio – in October! Seems to me like the global thermostat is faulty.

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8 October 2023 – Amusements

Two golfers met at the club. “I heard about your terrible tragedy last week,” said one.

“Yes,” said the other sadly, sipping his drink. “I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole.”

“I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too,” the first man said sympathetically. “That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds.”

“The carrying wasn’t that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out.”

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1 October 2023

And, we’re back! To those of you who thanked me in advance for the possible absence of the Picayune this weekend I can only apologise. We had a great visit to the south coast with great friends, we rode the Hythe to Dungeness railway, the dogs had a fabulous time on the wide, open dog-friendly beach, we ate like kings (hmm, perhaps not) and we scoured the beautiful village of Rye looking for some water.

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1 October 2023 – Amusements

Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. Mrs. Smith is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. Mister explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is their first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, “why don’t you just double the recipe?” She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call — this time quite frantic.

“I just can’t do it,” wifely weeps. “It’s impossible.”

“Now, now, what’s the matter?”

“Well, their recipe calls for two eggs…”

“So, you use FOUR eggs. Don’t you have them?”

“Yes — then it needs 4 cups of flour.”

“Well,” hubby says rather testily, “you will have to use 8 cups of flour — what is the problem?”

“It isn’t the ingredients,” wife sobs, “it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can’t turn the heat up to 700 degrees!”

This came originaly from my sister Sarah:

The value of a Catholic education and a #2B pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’

When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty’! shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Saviour?’

But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child’?

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

The nun fainted.

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn’t survive.

The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.

The pilot says to the punk “There’s only one parachute left, I’ll fight you for it.”

“That won’t be necessary,” said the punk, “The smartest man in the world took my backpack.”