The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

Greg's Occasional News & Views

2 October 2016 – Amusements

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

“The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said, “Well, it might be okay in California and New York, but we’re not having any of that crap in Texas.” Continue reading

25 September 2016

Greg & Penny’s Chinese Adventure 2016 – Part II

With Jessica’s 100 Day Birthday Party in the rear view mirror we had a week full of adventures to work our way through before leaving Yangshuo for a couple of days in Hong Kong. Not surprisingly, Adam made sure we were thoroughly entertained for the remainder of our visit.

The day after Jessica’s party (Monday) we borrowed a couple of the “least bad” bicycles the Outside Inn had to offer and made our way along the canal path and into Yangshuo where we were aiming to meet up with Ava’s folks. They were on their way back to Liuzhou on the afternoon bus and so we met up at Rock ‘N’ Grill in Yangshuo for lunch. Continue reading

25 September 2016 – Amusements

There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half…”

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Canada, Sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just up-tight, homely women and hockey players up there.”

“Really,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Canada!”

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?” Continue reading

18 September 2016

Greg & Penny’s Chinese Adventure 2016 – Part I

Welcome home! As Penelope and I slumped into bed on Thursday evening we realised that we had accidentally discovered a space/time warp. As we had enjoyed so many outstanding adventures on our trip to China, it felt as if we had been away for months, not merely two weeks. I guess it’s true what they say – doesn’t time fly when you are enjoying yourselves? And what enjoyment we enjoyed! Continue reading

18 Septembe 2016 – Amusements

One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, “I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman.”

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, “Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.” Continue reading

28 August 2016

You will all be delighted but not the least bit surprised to hear that Penelope’s Surprise Birthday Party for her sister J last Saturday was an outstanding success. To be fair, the weather did not fully cooperate as we had hoped so luncheon was served indoors although there was enough dry weather to allow the youngsters to burn off some of their excessive energy out of doors. Continue reading

28 August 2016 – Amusements

  1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” Masai Graham
  2. “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell
  3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson
  4. “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith
  5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan
  6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson
  7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney
  8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff
  9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath
  10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes
  11. “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be president, as long as your husband did it first.” Michelle Wolf
  12. “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift
  13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith
  14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons
  15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol

Continue reading

21 August 2016

Annabelle came for an over-nighter last Saturday and, as always, we had a lot of fun. Nick and Lucy had a gazillion things to accomplish over the weekend which undoubtedly would be easier to achieve without the attentions of a four year old. So, having discussed arrangements with Nick & Lucy, Pen sent her a letter inviting her for a sleep-over. It was a very excited granddaughter who telephoned on Wednesday evening to convey her appreciation for and acceptance of the invitation. Unfortunately, Pen was out at gym when she phoned so she had to put up with me. Continue reading

21 August 2016 – Amusements

Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn’t tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Jones … all is forgiven. Just tell us … where is it?!?!” Continue reading

14 August 2016

I think I may be becoming somewhat obsessed. I was in the kitchen on Wednesday or Thursday of last week making a sandwich for lunch. (And, before you think it outloud, I was not obsessing about what to put in my sandwich). As I was slicing the bread I was thinking about when I would next need to make a loaf of sourdough bread. I’ve been making it for well over a year now and my process has become increasingly reliable as the days & months have passed. However, the process is very time sensitive at certain points in the procedure. So, whenever I make bread I have to ensure that I am going to be home or close at hand at certain points during the day. Continue reading

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