The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

Greg's Occasional News & Views

10 April 2016

It’s been a quiet and moderately successful week even if I haven’t achieved very much (so what else is new?) and the weather has been somewhat less than perfect. After a few splendid, sunny Spring days last week, this week it’s been cloudier, wetter and windier and, with the wind pouring out of the northeast, considerably “fresher” than we might have hoped. It’s true what they say about those April showers! Still, we haven’t yet received a bucket load of snow as our friends and family in the great northeast did so I guess we should count our blessings. Continue reading

10 April 2016 – Amusements

There’s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts “Praise the Lord!”

The atheist yells back, “There is no God.”

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says “Praise the Lord.”

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts “Praise the Lord!”

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, “Ha, I bought those groceries – there is no God.”

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts “Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!” Continue reading

3 April 2016

Good morning on what I hope will turn into a splendid day for each of you. We’ve had a few good days at the end of the week following the havoc wrought by Storm Katie which sped through on Sunday night/Monday morning leaving damage and devastation in its wake. The real rough stuff was concentrated on the south coast so we escaped the real tumult – only one roofing slate came down in the wind. Continue reading

3 April 2016 – Amusements

I know it’s old, but uncannily accurate . . .

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” The Lord told him.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”

Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.”

“Wonderful!” Adam said. “Thank you. What is the second organ?”

“The other organ,” God continued, “is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time….” Continue reading

27 March 2016

It’s been another busy but tolerably pleasant week for all that. We had another outing to a “Silver Matinee” cinema performance and we also had a swarm of plasterers descend upon us to progress another of Penelope’s Projects further forward. (What is the appropriate collective noun for a group of at least three plasterers? A horde? A swarm? A gaggle? A plethora of plasterers?) And, on a gorgeous Good Friday, Penelope made progress on another project; the edging tiles on the front path are looking good! Continue reading

27 March 2016 – Amusements

As it’s Easter . . .

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon.

During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the little boy said, “I’m not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

Continue reading

20 March 2016

What a busy week we’ve had! Sunday to the airport to throw Greg the Younger on a plane back to Sweden, Monday the first lawn-mow of the season (ridiculously early compared to previous years), Tuesday an expedition to King’s Lynn in Norfolk, Wednesday another Silver Matinee while much of the rest of the week has been spent watching Penny work. Marvellous. Continue reading

20 March 2016 – Amusements

This sounds like me.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said. Continue reading

13 March 2016

Whew! What a week. We’ve had the full gamut of weather this week from sleeting down rain and sleet to glorious, glorious (and warm) sunshine to impenetrable fog and mist. We’ve also been compelled to provide unrelenting amusement opportunities to a most splendid visitor as well as somehow fitting in all the other events and diversions in our ceaselessly entertaining lives. Continue reading

13 March 2016 – Amusements

Have we had this before?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!” Continue reading

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