This from my friend Julie
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, Steve’s Place, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”
“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our “you-know-what”, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, reducing the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.” Continue reading
A week is a long time in politics. Over the past week or so, twenty minutes has seemed a long time! I genuinely don’t know where to begin because, as I have often written, you can’t make this stuff up! Continue reading
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s back porch, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “No.. umm.. no.. I didn’t. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after the kids buried him in the backyard we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!” Continue reading
So, it’s finally over – the referendum to settle Britain’s relationship with Europe forever. And, the turkeys have indeed voted in favour of Thanksgiving.
After a campaign based on racism and lies, we finally know that the whole thing was an utter waste of time and money and there are nothing but losers everywhere one turns. The UK is a huge loser – the value of the pound plummeted as the result became clear and we now face forever being on the outside looking in with no opportunity to engage with and make the European Union better for everyone. Cameron is certainly a loser (I almost wrote “tosser” there but that would be too rude). Having called the referendum to, as John Major described it when he was fighting with his Eurosceptics more than twenty years ago, to “lance the boil” of his European dissenters, he’s achieved the opposite and is now consigned to the dustbin of history. He will be remembered as the man who almost single-handedly destroyed the United Kingdom. Scotland will almost certainly demand a second independence referendum – during the last one a very persuasive argument deployed was that the only way Scotland could remain part of the EU was to stick with the United Kingdom. That particular lever has now been broken and the Scots will almost certainly vote to leave the UK this time. Continue reading
My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives.
“Nonsense,” I told her. “That is not true. I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine.” Continue reading
We had a fun weekend with our nephew David, my sister Susie’s son. He was due to be in London for a Mozilla conference and, bizarrely, thought he might come a few days early to spend some time with us. It’s clear that the TripAdvisor review Greg the Younger completed following his visit that the Guest Wing at Framington House is on the “Must Do” list. His visit was a delight and pleasure. Continue reading
A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”
“Wow, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? You’re an attractive guy, and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to your room?”
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, “Will there be anything else?”
“Why yes,” replied the southern gentleman. “Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y’all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lak our bourbon cold, so ah still need a piece o’ ass for mah drink.” Continue reading
Good morning/afternoon/evening to you all. Hope your week has been enjoyably pleasant with fine weather, sunshine and good cheer. Continue reading
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, “I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis…
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again.”
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, “What’s his wife’s name?”
Her husband said, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s Veranda.” Continue reading
So, where were we? As we explained last time, we’ve been away for a few weeks and now, like the worst kind of “friends” who make you sit through their tedious holiday tales and infinite vacation photographs, we’ll share some of ours with “y’all.” Continue reading