This poor man is facing surgery on both his feet because of severe wounds. The doctor has warned him that he cannot tell how bad the damage is until he gets him in the operating room and he has prepared the man for the worst.
After surgery, the man is slowly waking up and he sees the surgeon approaching his bed. The doc looks at him and says, “I have good news and I have bad news – which would you like first?”
The man nervously responds, “Give me the bad news first.”
The doc says, “I had to take both your feet”
“Oh my, what could possibly be the good news?” says the man.
“The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!” Continue reading
It’s been another good week (mainly). No great adventures or “dates” this week, just ordinary stuff with one or two modest exceptions. The weather has been largely fine – we’ve had some freezing cold days with bright, bright sunshine and deep blue skies interspersed with some less cold days, overcast and dreary. At the moment, the UK is split into two roughly equal parts by a weather front which is sluggishly traversing the country – to the north temperatures are sub-zero and the precipitation is falling as rain, sleet and snow. To the south temperatures are nudging double digits (Celsius) and, while overcast, it is largely dry and approaching Spring-like conditions. Thankfully, we’re in the south. Continue reading
This past Sunday Mary Ellen and Elisabeth went to the 10:30 AM service and the new pastor was long winded and his sermon was quite long.
After the service was finally over, Mary Ellen said to Elisabeth, “The sermon was beautiful don’t you think?”.
Elisabeth replied “Oh yes it was, but a bit too long. Next week I’m bringing my cushion to sit on, these benches are too hard.”
She continued to say, “You know Mary Ellen at one point during the sermon I thought my butt went to sleep.”
Mary Ellen said, “I know, I heard it snore three times.” Continue reading
Greetings, once again, from beautiful downtown Moreton Pinkney. It’s been a grand week with tolerably decent weather, especially towards the end of the week. It’s been cold and frosty overnight but sunny and deceptively Spring-like in the afternoons. The weather was so glorious on Thursday afternoon that we took ourselves off for a tromp across the countryside.
Son: Dad, I want to get married.
Father: First, tell me you’re sorry.
Son: For what?
Father: Say sorry.
Son: But for what? What did I do?
Father: Just say sorry.
Son: But…what have i done wrong?
Father: Say sorry!
Father: Say sorry!!
Son: Please, just tell me why?
Father: Say sorry!!!
Son: OK, Dad…I’m sorry!
Father: There! You’re finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you’re ready to get married!
Another wacky week – temperatures hovering around freezing followed by double-digit highs the next day and then back to freezing cold again. The birds are confused and the daffodils and other Spring bulbs are positively bewildered.
We’ve had it before and it’s not even remotely topical, but I still like it:
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party.
The day of the party the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and messed around.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!” Continue reading
It’s been a mixed bag of a weather week – cold, windy and wet followed by sunny and not so wet followed by more cold, windy and wet. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose! Continue reading
It was the day before a big presidential election primary, and hordes of candidates from both parties arrived to campaign. As environmentalism was identified as a major issue in the state, the candidates curried favor by deciding to ride from town to town in the same bus.
All went well until sunset, when the bright sun on the horizon blinded the bus driver at a critical curve on a rural road. The driver missed the curve and the bus overturned. A farmer saw it happen and drove over in his tractor to help.
Two hours later, the farmer was back at his farmhouse and called the sheriff to report the accident.
“What took you so long to call?!” demanded the sheriff.
“I had to bury them all,” the farmer said.
“What?!” the panicked sheriff screamed. “They were all dead? Every single candidate for president?!”
“Well,” the farmer drawled, “they were politicians, after all.”
“What do you mean?” the sheriff said.
“Well, some of ’em said they weren’t dead, but you know you can’t trust anything a politician says.” Continue reading
Hello, good morning and welcome to another Moreton Pinkney Picayune. We have a bumper, bumper crop of bits and pieces this week. The weather’s been cold, hovering just about freezing, and we even had a frosting of snow last Sunday. To be fair, it was only about an inch or so but still very pretty. And, as when we lived in Byfield, the road to town is regularly travelled and therefore we had no disruption to our day. All the snow had vanished by Monday, which is fine with me. Continue reading