Four southern ladies were sitting around having Bloody Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them.
The first one says, “My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring.” But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said, “Oh, how nice.”
The second woman says, “Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat.” But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said, “Oh, how nice.”
So then the third woman says, “Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz.” And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick.
So they all looked at the fourth woman and said, “Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?”
She replied, “He loves me so much that he bought me lessons to a charm school so I could learn to say ‘Oh, how nice’ instead of sarcastically saying ‘Oh, ya, right’ after everything you ladies say.” Continue reading
Good morning to you all. We’ve had a fairly decent week with some pretty fine (and mild) weather at the beginning of the week. Temperatures reached the giddy heights of 16 to 17 degrees Celsius (low 60s in old money) on Tuesday and Wednesday but on Friday the wind and rain started and the temperature plummeted. Fortunately, the chimney’s been swept and the logs have been delivered so we’ve been able to have a few toasty-warm fires to pass the evenings. Continue reading
Joe was known as a stingy bastard, so when he died it quickly went around town that Joe’s will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“You told me about the $30,000 in the will,” replied her friend Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “But how much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand!”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
“The funeral was $6,500,” Helen answered. “The wake, food and drinks were another $1,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “Wait; $22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
Helen held up her hand: “Three and a half carats.” Continue reading
Now that the excitement and adventures of our Chinese excursion have been accounted for, it’s “back to normal service” this week. Too bad. And, looking out my study window on a dreary grey morning with the wind howling and the rain sleeting down, I can see that the weather is back to normal as well!
Not much this week although we had a “lovely” day out on Sunday when we impulsively ventured forth on what turned out to be a soulless and dispiriting shopping experience. We went to Ikea in Milton Keynes. Continue reading
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’ Continue reading
Greg & Penny’s Adventures in China for Adam & Ava’s Wedding Celebrations – Part 3
And so, we come to the final few days of our adventure – the wedding celebration in Yangshuo, our recuperation the day after and the homeward journey via Hong Kong.
The third (and final) wedding celebration was very conveniently held in the Xi Town Riverview Inn where we were staying. Preparations started bright and early on the Saturday morning – more blowing up of balloons, this time with the assistance of a cylinder of helium! Balloons and purple bunting were tied everywhere, fairly lights were strewn all over the terrace overlooking the river and even I was trusted to carry out a few menial tasks provided I was adequately supervised at all times. Everyone did a great job and the venue grew increasingly splendid as the afternoon wore on. Continue reading
This from our friend Erik.
There was a discussion on the Today programme about the rising price of admission to Premier League football matches.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United) and being told:
“That will be ten quid, mate.”
“What?!” the old chap exclaimed. “I could get a woman for that!”
The guy on the turnstile retorted, “Sure, but not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn’t!” Continue reading
Greg & Penny’s Adventures in China for Adam & Ava’s Wedding Celebrations – Part 2
So, on Tuesday morning we said “good-bye” to the Grand Hotel, Liuzhou and made our way to the bus station to catch the “express” bus to Yangshuo, a mere 3.5 hour journey away. Although the bus had no “facilities” as such, Adam assured me that the driver would stop somewhere about half way so that those of us with the need would be able to “refresh” ourselves. After about two hours into the journey and with the driver showing no indication that he intended to stop, I asked Adam to enquire, which he did. The driver said he had not intended to stop but would do so at the next available “rest area.” Let me assure you that I was not the only one needing to spend a penny – I was nearly trampled as almost every passenger went scampering across to the Chinese slit, many, to judge by their posture as they raced across the pavement, in considerably greater need than was I. Continue reading
All of today’s “amusements” were sent to me by my father.
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, “No it ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.” Continue reading
In short, we had an absolute blast at Adam and Ava’s various wedding celebrations – there is much too much to tell in one sitting so I’m afraid you’ll have to put up with some instalments. This week, our trip out to China and the first wedding celebration in Ava’s home town, Liuzhou.
As you know, if you’ve been keeping up, we spent the last ten days in China helping Adam and Ava celebrate their wedding. This wasn’t perhaps the best time for us to visit having just moved house and feeling decidedly unsettled but it was more than worth the disruption and now, with hindsight, we wish we’d gone for a month. It was so much fun. Continue reading