Another good week – what are the chances of that? The weather has been tolerably tolerable and we’ve spent many a “happy” hour toiling in the garden. Penelope, of course, spends most of her time beating the garden into submission; I get involved only on an ad hoc basis when there are things that require my particular skill set. I.e., tasks which do not require much thinking or understanding of good gardening practice and which may or may not involve heavy lifting. And even then, I still mess up! Continue reading
This from my friend Julie:
While riding my Harley the other day, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while slowly unbuttoning her blouse. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with my bike I guess.” Continue reading
Another good week, in spite of the somewhat variable weather. We’ve had a couple of visitors, celebrated a couple of birthdays, toured the Cotswolds and enjoyed a nice lunch out. I’m not sure, once again, if I can stand the pace. Continue reading
Walking home one night, this guy hears a, “Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?”
Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbour holding onto a restless and agitated pig. “What are you planning to do with that?” he asks.
“I’m carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub.”
“Why do you wanna’ do a thing like that?”
“Well, you see, it’s my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again…she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the Middle East again … she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I’ll wait for her to come running to me screaming ‘THERE’S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE’S A PIG IN BATH!'”
And I’ll just turn to her and say, “Yeah, I know!” Continue reading
It’s been a lovely week, jet-lag notwithstanding. We’ve had some grand sunny days and we’ve been able to lie in the hammock with wine glasses in hand on a couple of occasions. Sadly, the weather turned cold and wet at the end of the week, just in time for our visitors. Continue reading
During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student’s test-taking habit.
“Mr. Walters,” the professor began. “Is there something interesting written on your palm?”
“Not at all,” Billy replied. “It’s all pretty boring.” Continue reading
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
“And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”
“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”
“And, when was that?”
“When he asked for the second cup.” Continue reading
At last! We’ve had some half decent weather this week. There have been a couple of days when it was actually warm and sunny! What are the chances of that? The decent weather gave me the opportunity to mow the lawns for the first time this season and, more importantly, allowed Ms Playchute to get out and start digging her vegetable garden. We’re easily two weeks behind where we should be by now and stuff that should have been in the ground is still awaiting the opportunity. Unfortunately, as far as the lawn-mowing process is concerned, the damn grass will now grow like a teenager during a growth spurt to make up for lost time. Continue reading
A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister’s three-month-old baby.
Two women approached the mother. “Are they twins?” one asked.
“No, they’re three months apart.”
“My! You sure had them close together.” Continue reading