Now that I have become an old man, I increasingly value routines, especially those which require no thought and can always be done in the same order as if by rote, preferably half asleep, like brushing one’s teeth. Continue reading
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.
“It’s still winter,” I replied. “Forget it.”
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. “Aren’t you ashamed?” she asked. “How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?”
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, “She doesn’t like beer.” Continue reading
And so it begins – February arrived on Friday and we had our first significant snowfall of the season. Nothing like our friends in less temperate climates – no polar vortexes to deal with – and no real traffic or transport issues but still colder than we’d like it to be, even if Jessie does think it’s marvellously good fun. Continue reading
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.” Continue reading
Good morning! January’s almost over and February, with all its bitterly cold winds and icy conditions, is just around the corner. There’s something to look forward to! Continue reading
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Doug suggested.
“I just don’t think I can do that to my wife.”
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!”
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried it so many times and it’s never worked.” Continue reading
Well, what a week! First, the Brexit deal gets eviscerated in the largest ever defeat for a government proposal in living memory, then the Prime Minister survives (barely) a no confidence vote in her leadership. We are no closer to knowing WTF the looney Brexiteers voted for in the EU referendum and so we aimlessly drift on, rudderless and leaderless. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. Continue reading
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.
“Not really,” Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.” Continue reading
Boy, is it quiet around here. Adam, Ava and Jessica left on Wednesday afternoon for a three-week break in China visiting family and friends. No more little voice shouting up the stairs in the morning welcoming us to the new day, no more “chase me” grandpa, no more tricycle excursions to the park across the road (at least for the next three weeks). My goodness it’s quiet around here! Continue reading
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
“Does your dog have a license?” he asked.
“Oh, no,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one; I always do the driving.” Continue reading