20 November 2016 – Amusements

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I‘m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to the bar!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Helloooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?” Continue reading “20 November 2016 – Amusements”

13 November 2016

Astonishing. Simply astonishing.

One of the better comments I heard was just before the election. In last week’s “Have I Got News for You”, (a satirical topical news quiz for those who don’t know) after a round on what was then (last Friday) the upcoming presidential election, the host said, “Yes. This is the upcoming US Presidential election. Next Tuesday Americans will go to the polls to elect the worst president in history. (Slight pause) Or someone even worse.” Continue reading “13 November 2016”

13 November 2016 – Amusements

A man finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The man is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.

Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!” Continue reading “13 November 2016 – Amusements”

6 November 2016

We’ve had some excellent Autumnal weather this week – some lovely days with clear and bright blue skies and some foggy evenings. There was even a touch of ground frost on a couple of mornings. A few of the trees in the village have adopted a very festive appearance with leaves coloured more vibrantly than is often the case here. Unfortunately, I have no photos as they threw off most of their leaves in a matter of moments. Instead, I’ll share a photo from our friend Stephen White which those of you who are “friends” with him on Facebook will have already seen. Continue reading “6 November 2016”

6 November 2016 – Amusements

In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.”

My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?” Continue reading “6 November 2016 – Amusements”

30 October 2016 – Amusements

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totalled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, “That’s a nice round figure.”

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, “You’re no bean pole yourself.” Continue reading “30 October 2016 – Amusements”

23 October 2016 – Amusements

As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. “Let’s make a commitment to do it three times a week,” I said.

“Absolutely,” my husband agreed, “three times at a minimum.”

“And no whining,” I said. “No excuses.”

“No, we’ll do it,” he said enthusiastically, “you can count on it.”

“And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym.”

“The gym?” my husband said, confused. “I thought we were talking about sex?” Continue reading “23 October 2016 – Amusements”

16 October 2016

We’ve had some glorious weather this week – exactly what autumn ought to be about. Clear blue skies with a light breeze and a touch of crispness in the air. Cool enough for a sweater or light jacket but no need for the coat yet. The Orchard has begun to display the muted colours which pass for autumn foliage in our part of the UK and work on Penelope’s Garden continues apace. Continue reading “16 October 2016”