28 August 2016 – Amusements

  1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” Masai Graham
  2. “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell
  3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson
  4. “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith
  5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan
  6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson
  7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney
  8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff
  9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath
  10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes
  11. “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be president, as long as your husband did it first.” Michelle Wolf
  12. “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift
  13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith
  14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons
  15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol

Continue reading “28 August 2016 – Amusements”

21 August 2016

Annabelle came for an over-nighter last Saturday and, as always, we had a lot of fun. Nick and Lucy had a gazillion things to accomplish over the weekend which undoubtedly would be easier to achieve without the attentions of a four year old. So, having discussed arrangements with Nick & Lucy, Pen sent her a letter inviting her for a sleep-over. It was a very excited granddaughter who telephoned on Wednesday evening to convey her appreciation for and acceptance of the invitation. Unfortunately, Pen was out at gym when she phoned so she had to put up with me. Continue reading “21 August 2016”

21 August 2016 – Amusements

Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn’t tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Jones … all is forgiven. Just tell us … where is it?!?!” Continue reading “21 August 2016 – Amusements”

14 August 2016

I think I may be becoming somewhat obsessed. I was in the kitchen on Wednesday or Thursday of last week making a sandwich for lunch. (And, before you think it outloud, I was not obsessing about what to put in my sandwich). As I was slicing the bread I was thinking about when I would next need to make a loaf of sourdough bread. I’ve been making it for well over a year now and my process has become increasingly reliable as the days & months have passed. However, the process is very time sensitive at certain points in the procedure. So, whenever I make bread I have to ensure that I am going to be home or close at hand at certain points during the day. Continue reading “14 August 2016”

14 August 2016 – Amusements

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, “Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!”

“Oh?” says the mother, amused. “And how old is Janie?”

“Six,” replies the boy.

“Well,” says the father, “what are you going to do for money?”

“I get 5 dollars a week allowance,” says the son, “and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we’ll be okay.”

“I see,” says the father. “But what are you going to do if you have any children?”

“Well,” says the boy, “so far we’ve been lucky.”  Continue reading “14 August 2016 – Amusements”

7 August 2016

We went across to Nick & Lucy’s on Sunday evening to welcome home the intrepid travellers following their US adventures. Having been the only one on the plane who slept all the way home, Annabelle was full of beans, turbocharged with excitement. We’d like to think her excitement was due to seeing us again after a fortnight away but actually she was more excited (it seems) to be reunited with all the toys and games she had left at home. Continue reading “7 August 2016”

7 August 2016 – Amusements

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.” Continue reading “7 August 2016 – Amusements”

31 July 2016

We’ve just received Penelope’s car back from our friendly neighbourhood garage after a peculiar incident – one evening last week she discovered that the whole of her front grill, including the number plate, had gone missing. Intriguingly, she heard nothing to indicate that the front of her car was falling or had fallen off and was perplexed as to how and when it might have happened. Continue reading “31 July 2016”

31 July 2016 – Amusements

Pauly walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, Pauly, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, eh?”

Pauly says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your first pay check!”

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me on top of all this?” Continue reading “31 July 2016 – Amusements”

24 July 2016

Phew! Scorcio! We’ve had a great week enjoying the English summer – six days with no rain and temperatures in the high 70s to 80s! Absolutely marvellous and great while it lasts. Keep up the good work! It’s also been another busy, busy week – two trips to London, two galleries and a West End show, lunch at Wahaca as well as a mid-week gastronomic masterpiece at the Dun Cow Pizzeria! Continue reading “24 July 2016”