24 July 2016 – Amusements

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.

The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza. Continue reading “24 July 2016 – Amusements”

17 July 2016

A week is a long time in politics? Try 3 days! The first two rounds of the Conservative Party leadership contest whittled the five pretenders down to two – Theresa May and our local MP, Andrea Leadsom. On Monday, Leadsome withdrew from the race (she had performed astonishingly poorly in an interview with the Times and was quite clearly not up to the job. The good news is that she recognised that she was not remotely capable of becoming PM). Continue reading “17 July 2016”

17 July 2016 – Amusements

One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalogue and admiring all the beautiful models.

Ole said to Sven, “Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?”

Sven replied, “Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!”

Ole looked wide eyed and said, “Yumpin’ yimminy. Dey ain’t very expensive. At dees prices I’m buyin’ me vun.”

Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, “by golly Ole, if she’s as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too.”

Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, “did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?”

Ole replied, “no, but it von’t be long now, her clothes came yesterday!” Continue reading “17 July 2016 – Amusements”

10 July 2016

For the first time in a very long time, it’s actually been a moderately decent week. We even had some sunshine! To be fair, most days have been grey and windy with spitterings of rain but the occasional burst of sunshine seems to be all the more appreciated for its relative rarity so far this summer. I guess we’re saving up our decent weather for when our multitude of guests arrive during the weeks to come. Continue reading “10 July 2016”

10 July 2016 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, Steve’s Place, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.

“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.  Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our “you-know-what”, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, reducing the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.” Continue reading “10 July 2016 – Amusements”

3 July 2016 – Amusements

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s back porch, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stumbles around and says, “No.. umm.. no.. I didn’t. what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after the kids buried him in the backyard we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!” Continue reading “3 July 2016 – Amusements”

26 June 2016

So, it’s finally over – the referendum to settle Britain’s relationship with Europe forever. And, the turkeys have indeed voted in favour of Thanksgiving.

After a campaign based on racism and lies, we finally know that the whole thing was an utter waste of time and money and there are nothing but losers everywhere one turns. The UK is a huge loser – the value of the pound plummeted as the result became clear and we now face forever being on the outside looking in with no opportunity to engage with and make the European Union better for everyone. Cameron is certainly a loser (I almost wrote “tosser” there but that would be too rude). Having called the referendum to, as John Major described it when he was fighting with his Eurosceptics more than twenty years ago, to “lance the boil” of his European dissenters, he’s achieved the opposite and is now consigned to the dustbin of history. He will be remembered as the man who almost single-handedly destroyed the United Kingdom. Scotland will almost certainly demand a second independence referendum – during the last one a very persuasive argument deployed was that the only way Scotland could remain part of the EU was to stick with the United Kingdom. That particular lever has now been broken and the Scots will almost certainly vote to leave the UK this time. Continue reading “26 June 2016”

19 June 2016

We had a fun weekend with our nephew David, my sister Susie’s son. He was due to be in London for a Mozilla conference and, bizarrely, thought he might come a few days early to spend some time with us. It’s clear that the TripAdvisor review Greg the Younger completed following his visit that the Guest Wing at Framington House is on the “Must Do” list. His visit was a delight and pleasure. Continue reading “19 June 2016”