5 December 2021 – Amusements

MAN: answering a cell phone… “Hello”

WOMAN: on the phone…”Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$80,000”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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28 November 2021 – Amusements

The Godfather hires a deaf bookkeeper, knowing he’d hear nothing and could never testify. He discovers that the bookkeeper has embezzled $10 million.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer signs, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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21 November 2021 – Amusements

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”

To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”

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14 November 2021

It’s been increasingly autumnal although still unseasonably warm – must be all the hot air in Glasgow talking about climate change while making vague commitments to do something, sometime, maybe. Or maybe not. The weather people are predicting the onset of a deep freeze due, apparently, sometime next week with the usual apocalyptic predictions of sub-arctic temperatures and 83 feet of snow. We’ll see.

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14 November 2021 – Amusements

Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese television.

And the most English thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

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7 November 2021

It’s been another week – what are the chances of that? I think the weather has finished its transition from late-summer/early-autumn to definitely autumn. Leaves are falling and/or have fallen off the trees, the temperature is decidedly autumnal with the occasional ground frost in the mornings and the clocks have changed so that it’s dark by 5.30 in the evening. One just wants to hunker down in front of a blazing fire.

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